Day 12: My Decisions Make Me Who I Am

"Regrets are the pain of memories"

Day 12: My Decisions Make Me Who I Am

Apologies for not updating my blog yesterday. Decided that should be my day off instead of today, well at least for this week. Thursday was nice. First Thursday I had in a while that felt like I had my life which I had a few months back. Toxic Bass is back bitches! (Sorry, felt the need to say that). I'm not going to go through what happened, I basically chilled with my friends and went cruising with a car. Though an event which I witnessed made me even more confused about my life. I saw a couple which isn't even official get more physical than I have in 4 months. I mean they did get a bit too physical in my opinion, but still, it was nice seeing them happy. Kind of hurt realizing I'll never get the same thing in the present. I might not be great at lying, but lying to myself and pretending I'm okay I've become an expert on. I'll just smile, laugh like I usually do, and act as if nothings wrong. Shouldn't be that hard now, I've been doing it pretty much my whole life. A few people said they pity me, like readers of my blog who are also friends or happen to go to the same school. I don't need pity, and you shouldn't feel sorry for me. Things can be much better for me, they should be much better for me. I chose to walk down this road, and I'll deal with the consequences. If you're also having the time of your life now, enjoy it, cause you'll go through hell later. I'd rather suffer as a teenager and live the life as an adult than the other way around. I don't have any responsibilities now, so I might as well suffer and get it over with. Its no one's fault but me, and I'm happy with every decision I make. I regret some, but to hell with it. Life doesn't give you time to sit back and regret the billions of wrong moves that you've made. I know I've made much more wrong decisions with bigger things recently than I had in the past. I'll accept them and move on. Its not like I have much of a choice. Fiasco out.

Day 11: Turning Back The Clock

Day 11: Turning Back The Clock

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."

Everyone has regrets. You might see there copied Facebook quotes of how they don't regret things they've done, but like things they've done to the wrong people, and things they haven't done. Well that's true, but we also regret things we've done, and you know that's true. I have my regrets. In fact, I have so many, I probably forgot most of them (Good thing in a bad way I guess). I switched schools this year, and I'm very happy with the decision I've made. Thanks to a few very good friends, I've settled in swiftly, and very well. Since I'm a genius (Note the sarcasm) I was the only new student in Year 10. I knew a few people that mattered, and they made sure I settled in easily. Since I was the only new student, all the new kid attention which would usually be distributed equally among the new peeps was only directed to me. So imagine getting the attention that was meant for like 7 people all at once, and then having it last for like 3 months or so. Made me a bit cocky, but I'm content looking back at it. So basically, those 3 months were really nice, I had awesome friends, the same best friend, and a more than perfect career. I know the career just depends on timing, but as time passed, I kind of grew some distance between those friends, and gained others who I guess can't even compare with them (Not talking in the content of best friends, but like just very close friends here). I sat with a couple of them in English today, and realized how much I miss having there company. What I'll try doing is turning back the clock, and getting stuff like they used to be. I mean my life is horrible now, and I've realized it could be cause these people aren't around as much to make me laugh my ass off and make what usually was the lamest class a lot more funner. The whole 80 minutes went by as if they were like 10 minutes! These people are real to me, and situations keep coming up where their emergence feels natural. So what I'll do is hope that my attempt in turning back the clock is successful! Before I end this blog, I'd just like to thank this amazing person who was there for me a couple of days ago which I had a huge amount of frustration on. Thank you for always being there for me. Fiasco Out!  

Day 10: Be Yourself, Be Happy!

"My happiness doesn't depend on somebody; it depends on me"

Day 10: Be Yourself, Be Happy!

 I'm not the guy to take advice from, I drink away my pains through energy drinks, set no goals, and just let things happen. But today, and for the first time, I took my own advice, on how to make my own life better, and how you can make yours better. We've lived doing things poorly for so long, we don't even realize our full potential. Sometimes things happen, and we react badly. A good example is my blog yesterday that made no sense what so ever. I was mad, had a rough day, felt very frustrated, so I reacted, its how we, and I, do things. Goal Setting? Bull Shit. Its very hard to take things one by one. I have to deal with five basic thing: Education, Social Life (Friends), Career, Relationship, and Family. The secret to being anywhere near smart isn't hard, and getting good grades doesn't mean you're smart either. I'm horrible at math, everyone has there weaknesses. I was never good with numbers, I try, but I always fail, I've learned to accept that and try my best at it, and knowing that I did, no matter how badly I'm doing, I'm content. The secret is time management. Just do your homework, study for the test the day before for like the whole day, and you should be on track to getting where you want to be! Social Life is the difficult part, as long as you have a couple of best friends who are trustworthy, you're good to go. If you don't, life will make you run into some, never lose hope. Just be careful who you trust, once a hoe, always a hoe. Bad friends will turn you bad (speaking in the content of drugs, and alcohol). That wasn't the case with me, but I have my morals (my father raised me in a completely anti all the stuff way, and my grandfather died from smoking caused diseases, so that's the reason I stay clean). Find good friends, you'll be happy. Life will throw a lot of bad friends at you, but friendship grows with time, and with friendship, comes trust! If you have a few best friends, you'll never feel the need to be an elite in your school or something. Relationships are difficult to understand, especially at our age. I've always been the person to fix up other people's relationships, and I've probably helped out more guys than I could count get that girl (Applaud Please!). But I never really noticed the two major factors to an important relationship in a high school life that has the potential to last for a very long time. Think of it this way, an airplane can't fly with one wing, relationships are the same way. At the high school level, they're based on mental, and physical connection. Mentally, you just really need to have emotions for the other person, its simple, if you're thinking about them all day, and they're the person you think about in all love songs, then you pretty much are picking up the signs. Physical connection is having fun. Ladies, spicing things up doesn't make you a hoe, just keep your body in your clothes, and you're fine. Other than that, get as creative as you want, just make sure your not being taken advantage of. Pick the signs of that up by noticing that its being only built on the physical stuff. Family, well your parents know what's best, everything they do, its for your own good, we don't get it at this age, I don't either, but I know I will when I grow up. Any who, I'm done being a life coach, but I do hope you consider my advice! I took it today for the first time, and I'm in an awesome mood. Lastly, little things like plenty of sleep and music are awesome for you! Fiasco Out. 

Day 9: Bleed Until I Die

Day 9: Bleed Until I Die  

“Why do beautiful songs make you sad?' Because they aren't true.Nothing is beautiful and true.”

Can this day get any worse? Usually I'd always look on the bright side of things. But I can't anymore. I shouldn't be typing this up for the public, but fuck it, it's my only way of taking out my stress. I'm miserable. The person who I put over anyone else, and value over any other person, just never seems to have the mutual idea. My career is not here anymore to distract me, and I'm certainly not in the mood to use studying to distract me. I believe in things I don't comprehend, therefore my destiny is to endlessly suffer this way. I'll always be caught up trying to do the fucking impossible. The problem is I'm not in pain enough like I was last year to convert that pain into happiness in my mind. I'm trying to live a life that was never meant to be. I was never destined to get anywhere far. I never had a best friend, I never had a girl friend, never had a career, I had nothing. Having what you once wanted doesn't necessarily make you happy. Especially when you get what you want in the most horrible of forms. All I can say is that I have great best friend, but what do you do when that's all you got? Being honest, my career is downhill and pissed to the point to say that a couple in damn Year 6 gets more physical in there relationships than I do. (Not really a problem, but very frustrating).  This day went nothing like I imagined. What should've been a day to remember has now turned into a day were I feel like I'm crawling on broken glass. I'd be happy if I bled to death rather than all this shit. I'm tripping, an overdose on energy drinks gets me feeling a bit drowsy. I know I can make all these fake ass hoes bow in the presence of greatness, one thing I'll promise myself, even though I might be trippin at the moment, I won't remove, or edit this blog in any detailed why. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Welcome to the life of Fiasco, a life where I complicate shit to the point where everything becomes difficult to comprehend, and then I drink away my pain through consumption of high amounts energy drinks. I chose this, when I know I could fuck who I want, fuck who you don't, defy limits, and break records. I'll be lost in a twister of emotions and lie to myself and everyone through it until shit get better. Fiasco out.

Day 8: The Neutral Perspective

"I don't hate you, hating you would mean I care"

No more headache, this requires a celebration! Not going to talk much about my day, nothing interesting happened. Title won't be a puzzle again, I'm simply going to analyze my current life through a neutral perspective, and compare myself to the two friends I adore the most (Yes Homo!). If I say anything harsh or I shouldn't say, that's not me, its just the neutral point of view of myself standing over an identical person. Lets start off with what I value over anything. Family, not much to it. I love my family, no problems with any, most stable family I've ever seen. No disadvantages really, other than the usual issues of not going out often. I still end up going out, so I'm alright. Great positives: They don't bother me in my education with the "stay home and study phrases". I get stuff done my way, and that's been working awesomely with me. I'm also allowed to openly date, and they're cool to the point where I can bring my girlfriend home, lock my room with her, and not get a single question after it. Too bad can't take advantage of that since my girlfriend doesn't go out. Going onto my next part, probably the most delicate one, so I'll have to watch my choice of words. Negative points: None! Just kidding, not letting emotions take over. So seriously, negatives are she doesn't go out, and has no phone. I've learned to live with that, so alright, not effecting me, but still for the sake of the perspective, had to be put there. I also have to deal with limits. I personally have none, only thing I won't do is get any where close to having my girlfriend on 16 and pregnant. Other than that, I guess I'm really down for anything. As awesome as it would be for my misses to share the same opinion, she doesn't, so there's really nothing "spicy" in my current relationship. All I'll say, and again, nothing serious, but for the sake of the perspective. Positives: She loves me (I hope) and its mutual (I hope too, no one ever really does know if its love or hormones at this age). Its also kept me settled down for quite a while, and she's good at comforting me! Education is next, I'm the average B student I guess. Grades will be hopefully enough to get me into a top flight university . Friends, I got two of the best, my amazing buddy Lil_Man and Omar. Other than that I have those who are close, those who are alright, and those who I just say hello to. Only issue is that most of my close friends are the most two faced bitches on the planet. If I ever try taking our friendship to the next level, they always give me a reason why I shouldn't. I do make a few mistakes every now and then, and things might slip out of my mouth and cause a mess, but its nothing nearly as much as these people talk. Career has recently been going downhill, but that's the beauty of it. A few months I'll have maybe one gig, and then the next the whole damn city will be talking about me, and then one gig again. I'm pretty content with the way things are. There's always that one person who you have a soft spot for, and you'll try making room for in your life, but for some reason its always blocked off, either by the timing, you, or that person, yet you always blame yourself for it. No more details on that, a bit too personal. My cockiness issue seems to be under control, and I'm a bit more content. I've always known my place in society, I just like to joke around about how awesome I am, and people take it seriously. One thing that will never be effected by anyone, or anything. I'll always be over-confident. I'll walk with my head held up high saying I get who I want, and get who you don't. I do what I want, and do what you don't. I don't start competitions, but if you pick one with me and its under my control, I will do everything you can do better. I'll always strive to be a leader, and not a follower. If you mistake for my confidence and will power for cockiness, and you're older than 12 years old, you really need a check up on your maturity level. Lastly, one thing any neutral person would love, and lots of people lack for reasons I don't comprehend. I don't give a fuck about anyone who doesn't like me. You don't like me? That's your problem, I don't give a damn and won't even try with you as long as you're not talking any shit about me. As long as you don't do that, I don't hate you, hating would mean I care. Alright, sounding cocky, and tone is turning a bit too violent, that's my cue to end. Fiasco Out. 

Day 7: Nothing More Than A Typical Day

Day 7: Nothing More Than A Typical Day

"Life is a fine combination of holding on and letting go"

Major headache, repulsive mood for the third day in a row. Just back home. Been out with Omarian. Four months anniversary in two days, and being the lame boyfriend I am, I got her a gift, and we shall celebrate me growing up, and deciding to settle down with a girl for more than a couple of months! I had a horrible feeling when paying the money, it wasn't cheap, got her some expensive chocolate (I know, I'm very creative -note the sarcasm-). Went a bit beyond and got it wrapped and I won't write up a new poem this time, just a card that says happy anniversary xoxo I'll be damn pissed if you don't make out with me after I got off my lazy ass and got you a gift, Love Fiasco! All in a days work, but I got my mind straight though, like sorted a few things that have been really stressing me out. Basically, I've talked to a few friends about how I've been stuck between friends, and my life in the past, and how its been keeping me held down from fulfilling my full potential in the present, and the future. I've been forced to let go of childhood friends for selfish reasons, but for the sake of my life and career. Any man knows that life is nothing more than a fine combination of holding on, and letting go. I've also decided my priorities, and they go in this order, no sympathy to anyone, just an honest list: Family, Education, Relationship, Career, Friends. Being honest, family over anything or anyone. Education over my relationship seems a bit odd. But my girlfriend won't be paying my bills when I'm in my 30's. Speaking about my relationship, guess who has competition? Yes, like any attractive female, a few guys like her. I won't say any details, but my friend from his school told me that this dude is crazy about her, and like any love struck guy, he stalks me, even reads my blog (I honestly laughed uncontrollably when I heard this over the phone). I don't think she knows about this specific guy, but who knows who he is since he's the only loser this sad to stalk me. Any who, you can try brother, challenge accepted. I'll tell her, give you a head start! Thirsty niggers. Glad I got that off my mind. Any who, I was just watching UnderEmployed, great show It just shows how we all have our crazy dreams, but they'll never come true. I'll leave you on that thought, and that crazy crush dude, overthink everything I said, I love me some competition. Fiasco Out. 

Day 6: Time Wasted

Day 6: Time Wasted

Pay no mind to those who talk behind your back, it simply means you are two steps ahead.

Thursday, finally that day of the week where I can enjoy the company of friends. Today was a horrible day, so I'm in a repulsive mood. As usual, most of my friend were probably getting high, thus, I decided to avoid them. My only other super close friend chilled with his girlfriend but had to leave early (Was chilling with them, super third wheel feeling). My day had been done by 10:30, unlike the 1 AM nights I was used to. Yesterday's blog also caused quite the drama. Apparently I said that I like the girl the blog was on and I don't like my girlfriend. I don't think it said that on my blog. Only thing I probably shouldn't of wrote for the sake of my relationship was that "best thing that ever happened to me" line. What happened is over. Won't edit it. Just wanted to say that my blogs are straight forward. You don't need to make any assumptions, or read between any lines. I mean what I say, nothing more, nothing less. I'm starting to get readers (HELL YEAH). But I'm running out of stories, at least ones that won't get me in any trouble. Currently stuck between something in the past, and the present. This is something that could mess up everything I stand for, so forgive me for being very vague and not giving any details about it. But I just feel like I'm playing a game of chess. I can sacrifice one of my strongest pieces, for the risk that I get another stronger one back, but later. Get what I mean? Didn't think so, God I'm so confused, like a kill me now feeling. I also noticed how a few decisions I made changed my social reputation. Not in a good way, but I'll make do with what I have. I'm very stressed out, there's nothing to distract me at the moment. I haven't Dj'd a party in 2013. I have my four months anniversary coming up, and I have to be creative I guess. I know I won't come up with anything but a love poem or letter, and some fancy chocolate. Lastly, I'm thinking Friday should be like my day off from blogging, I mean this thing is crazy addictive. Apologies for not giving you some dramatic story like I'm used to provide, but I'll have something by Saturday very interesting. Apparently I have one of my friends talking shit behind my back. My back isn't a damn voice mail, so if you got something to say, say it to my face. You're probably reading this, but I'll pick on you on my next blog. Until Saturday. Fiasco Out.