Day 45: In Love With Medusa

Day 45: In Love With Medusa

"Go on, and let your intent be seriousness"

So my last two posts got "accidentally" deleted. Not really. I just felt like I shared things which I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Enough said. Today was quite the day. For the past hour or so, I've been Skyping with a good friend of mine, Lil Man to all those who've been keeping up from the early days. I've been coldly replying and just saying "yeah, okay, sure" as replies. Why? Cause this is thinking time. My brain automatically just starts analyzing everything. It's not like I'm over thinking. It's more like I'm thinking about many prospects of my current life and future. Let's start by stating, I have too many fake friends. Some too close, and that I've made a big mistake trusting. These are the kinds of people who are taking advantage of me, and manipulating me. Surprisingly, they show up at good times, and then when I have bad moments, they're still there. Didn't make sense right? They are there, no denying that. But they stand there telling you it's your fault, and refuse to get involved what so ever. You push them into it, since you believe they're your friends, but then you notice, they're only taking advantage of you. Call me crazy, but I've been getting these dreams lately. Now I'm far from superstitious, but they've been repetitive. Some I've refused, and will not talk about to anyone. It's happened four or five times. I'm the type of person who has dreams which never make sense, but these ones, super realistic, to the point where when I wake up, I don't know if I'm still dreaming or not. Something certainly is up. These dreams have touched every aspect of my life so far, and sadly, given me negative results in all of them. I'd rather stop talking about this before I get a knock on the door tomorrow and end up in a mental clinic. I think this is all a result of me stressing out and barely getting any sleep lately. I've just honestly had too much to think about. Ramadan isn't that big of an issue with me. I fast regularly, and avoid all negative things during fasting hours. I do all the mandatory things. Won't lie and say I've been going over the top, because still, I'm far from what you call religious and recognize that. My relationship? It's been alright. Settling in, and fighting with all my power to make sure it still going on in an amazing pace, yet that's been quite difficult lately due to the horrendous emptiness in my state of mind which I've been suffering from. Basically, I over think everything, and that causes assumptions, which are correct at times, but wrong at others. Let's keep it at that. None the less, judging on today's conversation rate and topics, it's going pretty well. Here's the major issue. I've decided to put my career on a steady hold next year, I have enough distractions already. No more parties. I'll mix at home for fun, but I don't need the stress of parties pressuring me. I have high hopes, and I'm aiming for top grades, and I know how that much of a challenge it could be. I need to ace my IG's, and end up in a tropical country university. I don't need a scholarship, I just need to be accepted into a top college. I've been analyzing my probability of ending up in a first class college, and let's just say, my mind has been quite disappointing. But I'm the type of person who responds positively when in a negative mentality. I'm starting to doze off now, let's just hope I wake up in a less serious mood. With all due respect, Fiasco out.  

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder 

"Malaysia, truly Asia."

Another good day, kind of feels like a double kill these days. I mean the thing that could top it off is a good party on Saturday, and meeting my wonderful misses just once or if I'm lucky twice or something. And the conclusion of these wonderful days would be a nice flight and a few weeks off in Malaysia. I'll miss a few people a lot here, but I really need some time off, like remember the week or so I had that whole crazy depression phase, kind of still haunts me, so I could use Malaysia. Like just in general, it's been more than half a year since I traveled. And I've been to Malaysia a lot before, but this time it's different. Like for example, I'll meet up with a couple of friends there, one who's from where I am, and another is a good friend of mine who's in college. Not to mention I've even gotten a few people who have even said they can hook me up with a few parties which should be insane. But that's not really what I'm looking for, all I need is an escape from the world here. In all the times I've been there, I've never been too far out of the metropolis areas, but this time I've made my dad promise to just let me go to one of the islands there, relax by the beach, just block out all the negativity I've faced recently. Like now there's arguably no negativity, other than my parents making me face the usual problems with them being over protective, but I've gotten used to that. I mean that week where no one was there for me, or at least no one who could have effected me was there, I realized, at times, you just need a break. This seems like the perfect opportunity. Just me, my over protective family, and a highly developed country with a mentality that suits mine. I could also use a wardrobe update! But a few months ago, I would've expected myself to be looking differently at this trip. I would've been wanting to party hard, go wild, somehow end up with herpes after not even remembering the night before, but no that's not what I want. I'm at a party almost every week, fuck, I am the party. When I show up, I could be the factor which decides whether this is the shittiest party of the year, or the best, and I can tell you that it's the best (damn that was cocky). But no, nothing wild this vacation. So yeah, I'm in a good mood again. Double kill. None the less, I can't deny the reason for my happiness. It's a girl who was too short to put her hands around my shoulder when we once danced and put her hands around me instead. But she's not just any girl, she's the reason behind my smile at the moment. Let me just say, thank you, and I love you. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Day 43: Electronically Entertained

Day 43: Electronically Entertained 

"For ever minute you are sad, you lose a minute of happiness"

Today was quite the day. It started off well, and ended up even better. I haven't worked out today. Fuck it, I don't want to get ripped, I'm perfectly secure with my scrawny, non intimidating, and far from attractive figure. Well to be honest, I just need motivation to keep committed to something. The reason I blog at a decent rate, is because I get around up to 70, and hell, on intense blogs up to 100 views a day. Today was just spectacular. Like based on my current days, today was just perfect. So it started off as a simple hang out, with a few guys who I had met at those summer lessons I previously talked about. I didn't have high expectations, but to my surprise, it turned out to be one of the most legit hangouts ever. It was just nice, like I don't know hangout wise. Like they're not the usual crowd I hangout with. I mean it's just a change from the usual. The usual, people around me smoking hookah, insulting each other girlfriends, mothers, family, and the usual immature extremely lame phrases. Today, all these guys, had such positive a positive vibe. There was the immaturity and the curse words flying through the air, but not in the usual style or manner, it was just I don't know, cursing with a positive vibe. I just  need friends like these in my life, and I have arguably one friend who has that vibe, no one else I can honestly think of. It was just nice, and something that had just put me in a perfect mood. I'm glad I have met people like those. Add on to that my girlfriend talking to me in the first time for quite while with all the crazy stuff going on, and that just sums up my day. That's not enough for you? Alright then, add on to that, the usual Skype conversations, but with fun topics with all of my close friends who have finally been able to cheer me up. I don't know, I think this is the turning point where shit finally starts going my way. I mean, let's just analyze this based on the aspects of my life. Friends wise, I found a clique which is far from my usual, but also much more positive than the usual. Career wise, it's the usual, no turning point there. Education wise is also the usual. Family wise, nothing really, travelling soon so I guess that's a positive, after the few rough past week or so, I could really use a few weeks away from this place. I also need lots of brightly colored skinny pants, and lots of plain t's and cardigans. Could use some new shoes too (no homo). Relationship wise, being straight forward and hoping I won't get bashed at for this, it wasn't great due to the lack of conversation, but today just brought things back to the amazing old days, so very major turning point there. I mean everything in my life is not going negatively, and some even going positively. So in conclusion, today has been good day. Hell, lot's of people on friendzone got accepted, which put me in an even better mood. I hope this continues, and I hope we all have a great day. And congratulations to my very dear friend Azza on getting accepted into the school she anted to go to. With the utmost respect and appreciation, to all my wonderful readers, my wonderful friends, and last but certainly not least, my wonderful misses, Fiasco Out! 

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays  

"Just a little too young for this love"

Missed a day. I kind of have been doing this workout routine and I was planning to blog after it, but I kind of was exhausted and fell asleep after it. So sorry about that. Not in the best of mood, far from a good mood. Might as well blow away some steam on this blog. You only feel low, after being high. Let me put it this way, I was having a really high point, now, it's really low. There's not much to my life. This is clearly isn't about my career, that's going pretty well. I'm just trapped in the boundaries of my own mind. It's like I wake up, and this is all I'm thinking about, I listen to a song when I'm in a good mood and struck gold with a nice mix or remix, and then there's a lyric that reminds me of this whole situation, and it instantly makes me rant. I try laying down and getting some sleep and it just haunts me. I hide it under joking around with my friends about it, when deep down inside, this is devouring what faith I have left. It's my fault for breaking my own rules. I live by a set of rules, which I believe are meant to be broken, but its days, more like weeks, where I've regret breaking one of my rules. Don't make anything your main source of happiness, so when it's not there, you turn into this over emotional blogging faggot. I feel pathetic about myself. My thoughts don't make it any better. It's like at one point I'm perfectly fine, and my mind is thinking optimistically, then at other points, confusion. Not going to say its doubt, or regret. I don't regret it at all, or doubt it a bit. I know in order to feel high, I have to feel low. Then my mind throws in all these bi polar thoughts: "But why have I been low for such a long time? When's the high going to kick in? Stop giving so much effort, if its mutual, then it'll come back. Look how long you've been waiting, this is how its always going to be. You're an over attached faggot. Holy fuck, I'm your brain so that makes me over attached since I'm you. Maybe the high was over before it begun. I need a shot now, lot's of shots. Shit, I don't drink. But I sure as hell want to if it makes you forget." Sorry if that was confusing, but that's seriously my whole day on repeat. It also kills me to see how every one else has it perfectly, and then I'm not even a drop of that. Fuck this, I seriously need lots of shots at the moment. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.

Day 41: Metallica Tapes

Day 41: Metallica Tapes

"Little whispers around your head, worry about yourself instead"

Depressed? Why have so many people put that label on me? I get I am, and for what to people are acceptable reasons but to me a bit pathetic. I don't like that label to be honest. I'm just simply having a down fall in this roller coaster of life. We all have it. Mine for this pathetic reason, other's for bigger issues which are more life impacting. Could be my fault for making this reason a big part of my life. Any who. not here to rant about that. Just saying, not really depressed, I'll patch myself up, always seem to be able to do that. This is post number 41. Most people who have been reading since Day 1, or the very beginning, probably have grown to know me, to the point where some people even judge me based on this. Can't blame them, I've given them a lot of reason to. You can judge me all you want, I'm not a guy who cares about criticism, reputation, or whatever most my friends and people my age worry about. The judgement I got the most was cocky person who's too "westernized". By westernized, I mean they believe I do not recognize that I'm from a country where my actions, mentality, beliefs, choices, and decisions are not accepted. Everyone wants to be accepted, and to most people other than my friends, I'm not. But here's the twist, I'm not like everyone, not saying I'm special, but, I've had a rough childhood and wasn't accepted in elementary school, and pushed around through most of middle school. If you were bullied as a kid, and a loner until the last two years of your high school life, you've pretty much braced yourself for the social nonacceptance of your junior and senior year. So for all these people not accepting me, and expecting me to change to acquire their acceptance, two words for you bitches, fuck you. I've had a period where I'd gotten quite a number of hate messages, but then its stopped recently. Why? Because you bitches can't shake me. I barely give a fuck about anyone's opinion, and I'm not like those other people claiming they don't. I've dealt with people's shit all my life, then had my social life blow up with a crazy career that I love. You can't shake me, and if you want to try, be my guest. I've been pushed around, so you're words don't hurt me, and I've been alone for a couple of years with no one I could even call a friend, so even if my friends turn out to be fake (Highly doubt that, with the likes of Lil Man, that's almost impossible), I've been alone before, and how do I respond? I get better grades which is even more satisfying than having most these fake friends around, I still have a decent career, and I don't need any of your company, I can cope perfectly fine with video games, a mixer, and endless humorous pictures on Facebook. That ladies and gentleman, has helped me reach a conclusion, I can't label myself as depressed, just stressed out of mind. Glad to see I could make myself feel better. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Day 40: Who Set the Alarm?

Day 40: Who Set the Alarm? 

"Time solves all"

Finally starting to be a bit more convincing. I would like to state that I'm not depressed as many people have assumed due to my past post. Well I am, but that's nothing hours of musical therapy and distraction methods can't patch up. Any who, I have something I want to talk about (for once). I will rant, but it's nothing I can say works me up, but it does bother to a massive extent. That ladies and gentleman, is interference. I certainly had my share today. Can't give out a lot of details, but I'll give enough for you to be able to relate, and maybe even vaguely picture my situation. So we all have best friends, close friends, or whatever you want to call them. Sometimes, you trust these people to an extent in which they know the smallest details of your life. I have a number, maybe 2 or 3 who qualify for the title of knowing everything about me. One of these specific people lives a very reckless and wild lifestyle. It's one that's great and led to a pretty decent friendship for a year. Ultimately, it led to what we call a brotherhood. So when seeing me in the position I was recently, and the constant stress levels I suffer from, he decided to take matters "into his own hand". I noticed something a bit out of line, and after out putting some pressure on him, well little at all, he spilled the beans. He told me what he did, claiming he was trying to help and put me out of what he called misery. Well, not misery precisely, but a few small words that mean that. It's an inside joke about his vocabulary. (Haha, you're supposed to laugh now). So any who, he was trying to help, cause that's what friends do, help each other. But you know, this was just something which didn't call for interfering and something I'd wanted my own self to handle, even though I probably couldn't. So I might not approve of it, something I wish that person didn't interfere in. Might not have liked it, and wish it didn't happen. But that also made me realize something. Nowadays, its rare to find friends like him. I mean he took his own time, interfered in something which completely didn't effect him nor did he have anything to do with, and well I don't know what the results are yet, whether his actions cause things to spiral up, or turn for the better, he is a true friend. He cares about me. I mean no other friend would take the risk of potentially digging my grave for me deeper than it already is, in an attempt of pulling me out of it. It's like there's a bullet in me, and if he can pull it out, I'm relieved of the pain. He either pulls it out, or waits for the paramedics which take forever to show up. Pulling it out can either destroy me, or relieve me. And what he did, he pulled it out. Why? Cause fuck it, let's be reckless, and hope for the best right? That's honestly the kind of friend I need. The thing is, I was pissed when I found out, out of my mind. I knew he had no clue what he was doing, poor interpretation, and no sense of direction. But I felt he took the risk picturing he was in my shoes. Fuck it, I can't explain, hope you got me. So now I'm stressed out of my mind over what his decisions could result in, but I'm happy, cause even though this arguably the worst way how, I felt I truly had a friend present today. Kind of mixed emotions, let's just pray for the best. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 39: Solar Midnight

Day 39: Solar Midnight

"Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining"

Apologies again. It's become a bit ironic how I always start off apologizing about how I haven't updated in quite a while. I have a justification though this time. It's just that I've been attempting to bottle up a lot of emotions. Emotions which if I type out directly now, will get me in quite a lot of trouble. Let's just say things haven't been great, well far from great. Pressure has been piling up on me from all directions. Confusion about so many things. I don't even know what I should make my priorities, what cards I should use, what faces I should show. The only reason people read this is cause apparently people's pain and struggles is entertaining. I mean I have about 5 or so friends who all blog, none who share anywhere as much as I do. Ironically, only 2 which is less than half (do your math), still blog at a decent or daily rate. Why has quite a large proportion quit? Well it's ironically because they don't share enough. I mean when you blog about your personal life, it's either your a celebrity with a massive number of readers you feel somewhat obliged to update about whatever you're famous for, or your like me. Me? I live a stressful life, I mean don't we all? Our problems somewhat differ from person to person. Don't criticize me too much for what I say next. But the problem's of a homeless person trying to earn money who isn't in a life or death situation, could potentially be the same level of stress as that of one of the world's millionaire's. Ladies and gentleman, I don't intend to say that there at the same level of importance, but depending on the perspective, they could be at the same level of pain towards that person. But that really depends on the person too, and that, is where I have major issues. I don't stress about everything, but when I do stress about something, it's disastrous. One of the reasons I have this blog is to deal with that issue. It's been extremely effective. But at some times, and this is certainly one of them, it's pointless. The topic I'm stressing about is controversial at what the reasons are, whether I should accept it, whether I should pretend it's not bothering me while it's killing me and all I think about, whether the arguments presented are logical, and they are without a doubt, but to what extent? I mean I go and talk to my two or three very close friends who know everything about me, and each one gives me a different interpretation from the others including myself. It's killing me, to the point where I've let my imagination distract me. Where I've let overdosed myself in music, fuck, it's to the point where I've been looking forward to things like studying hoping they suck me out of this emotional roller coaster. Believe me, nothing works. I don't even think this is that big of an issue, and it shouldn't be, but then when I realize that, it makes me feel more pathetic and helpless than I already am. So what does all this make me realize? I'm a cocky yet an emotionally unstable, person who cares too much, worries about the little things cause there's probably no big things, who's got to set his priorities straight. Most importantly, with all these mixed emotions, and instability in my life, I am a person who could stop giving a fuck faster than you blink. But then again, what happens when you want to care? When this is probably the only priority you feel you can't set straight, yet you love it, even though it's killing you. I mean I'm not a dude who's not used to these situations, I'm 15, have a career, and so far have been balancing almost perfectly with my education. I work my way around everything, but this, I guess patience, endurance, and distraction will be my only way out. I hate it when that's my only option. "Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining." My mind has thrown itself in its own hole, someone throw me a fucking rope and hope I'm not to gassed out to pull my pathetic over thinking self out. Well at least this blog isn't pointless. Got a lot of my chest today. Somewhat indirectly except to a few people. At least I hope so, I honestly don't need any more controversial problems in my life.  With all due respect, Fiasco Out.