Day 49: Go Figure

Day 49: Go Figure

Well yesterday was certainly the day. In such a good mood that as I'm typing this up I feel my fingers jump with the beat of the song as if I'm playing a piano. That's the beauty of house music. I'm not rapping along to how many bitches I have or singing until my throat hurts. Jump simply moving my fingers to the beat. Hell, I feel my soul move to the beat! That was deep, so deep I can't even see myself right now. Deadmau5- Strobe (AutoLaser Remix). That's the song, just for the those who might consider checking it out. Well let's jump into the good stuff. Yesterday I met up with some friends. The thing is, we don't go to the same school. So unlike most of my people's gatherings, it's not full of gossip about how much they hate other cliques. I mean, won't be a hypocrite, I join in on those conversations as well, but having lots of random topics just flow along, was just beautiful. Like I certainly felt the vibe hit me yesterday. It's not everyday you run into people who can just naturally hit you with a positive vibe, and maybe the reason why I've had such a rough time a while back is because I was blocking that vibe. So basically, no whining today, no complaining, and certainly no subliminal messages to anyone. Today is just me acknowledging the few people who recently walked into my life and made a lot better. I mean I don't mention names but I'm sure they'll pick themselves out. There's this one girl, I can trust with my life. Like if I have any issue, she's always there. Yesterday certainly missed her, but hell, it's not everyday you find someone who you know you can trust, and in my case, I barely trust anyone, so I feel blessed to have run into her. Someone who you don't even need to tell something is wrong. They can pick your mood out through just a text. Then there's this one girl, who can light up your day with a call. I don't know if she knows it, but her smile just lights up the whole room. We've been growing closer day by day. The conversations I had with her yesterday, the laughs, what more could ask for? Her vibe is just so positive, it can probably turn the night to day. She's that one of kind person, that you'll arguably meet once in a lifetime. I could go on forever, and there's plenty of other people I met recently, but these two certainly are the ones who stand out at the moment. Apologies if I left anyone out who believes they deserve to be included, you probably do, but my posts are long enough as they are. So as of know, confidence level is still on infinite, still plenty of Arrow episodes to watch, great friends as I stated earlier, vibe is positive, DJ skills sharpening up even more as I'm starting to mix a bit of rock into my house, things are only getting better. I'm content, hell, I'm happy with my life right now. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 48: Fist Pumped The Pain Away

Day 48: Fist Pumped The Pain Away 

I'm starting to think I can seriously be diagnosed with bipolarity. Yesterday I was whining like a little bitch about a problem. Today? Watched countless episodes of Arrow (which is the best series created in the history of all TV shows known to man). Been working on music, on a rate where I download 2+ GB of music a day for the past 4 days, of every genre you can think off (except metal, hate that shit). 3 party worthy bootlegs a day. I've really been doing all I can to step up my game. Just wish I did it a bit earlier than the year I'm an IGCSE candidate. Keep in mind that I said I'm not going to be an official DJ for any party. That doesn't mean I won't show up, feature, possibly throw in a few playlists to who need them. I just won't go through the stress of planning out a party, preparing, and procedures of a party. I won't have time for all that. Yesterday, I won't lie, I had somewhat of an emotional and mental breakdown. Called one of my friends, had him over, talked it out, took some pain killers (not in an I'm an American middle age mom who's addicted to them) kind of way. They just calm me down. That made me sound like an addict. I barely take them, I don't want my social accounts and rumors tomorrow cause of a remark I made without noticing. So yeah, the mental breakdown I had yesterday was cause of the problem I posted about. It's a problem worth worrying about, one that's out of my power and in someone else's hand after I did all I could. I honestly feel pathetic, letting myself have a mental breakdown over an individual. Shows me how vulnerable I made myself. When I haven't even done something notably wrong that I'm aware of, and even if I did, not even worth being told I did something wrong. So to conclude that issue, I've made that problem a priority of mine for too long, had it nearly ruin my vacation, lose my confidence for quite a while, enter a major depression period and even have a mental breakdown over. All over nothing. I can't keep trying to force something that's two sided into one. I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall. I'm done humiliating myself. I shouldn't keep killing myself mentally over someone who makes me feel worthless, because even if it seems like I'm worth nothing to someone at the moment, I'm worth something to a lot of people. Worth the world to some. And let's not forget, also a charmer! (Wink, wink) My confidence level has been up, my DJ skills have been majorly sharpening, and after finally getting my mind straight, rearranging my priorities for the time being. Until that problem turns from a problem over nothing to something, its far from priority. Funny right? I make it seem as if it was someone else who posted yesterday. But like I said, I've matured. Not fully as I've noted yesterday, but enough to know I decide my happiness and well being, and nothing else. I've got new killer tracks, major bootlegs, planning on making hour long pop mash-ups (Not electronic, but pop, as in something that everyone loves). They'll step into tracks from The Caribbean tropical islands, killer hip hop tracks, hottest Ibiza club hits, and even slow jam tracks for all those couples and people who like spicing things up! It's something that'll take a while so please bare with me. School's next week. Not looking forward to that. School's just overrated, and there's too many people who just disgust me. If you're reading this, you're probably not one of them! On the contrary, I'm glad I got my sanity back after a sleepless night followed by a day where I had a mental breakdown. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?

Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?  

Well I'm officially back to blogging. Before I jump into anything. Malaysia was beautiful. It was an opportunity to run away, and I took it. Well let's jump to something. I'm not there anymore, and remember how I said I can take a lot more punches and blows? Well, I've been proven right. I wish I wasn't. Being stronger just means one thing, I'm going to be able to deal with much more. That much more is directly proportional to the pain it brings. I just wish I was back in Malaysia. The thing is, I don't know if I'm a drama queen or not. Well if I wasn't, would I have a popular blog? So many things contradict. I usually sleep around midnight. I stayed up until around 6 AM last night just thinking, playing music. I have this thing I do called musical therapy. I basically start with sad songs, and go more positive. I eventually end up feeling great. Didn't work last night, for the first time in years. The thing is, I just wish I could directly just yell out my problems here or something. No escape, no one to tell, nothing. It's really one thing that's getting to me. Honestly, fuck the rest for all I care. Like I usually play mind games on people, but this time, I've fallen for this sick endless mind game myself is playing on me. It's ironic how you can allow someone just kill you emotionally without even doing anything. That's the worse kind of pain. It feels much better when they do something, but fuck, when the reason is that they're doing nothing at all, and that's killing you. It makes you feel pathetic, worthless, weak, stupid, you name every damn kind of negative thing you can feel, and you feel them. You have no one but yourself to blame. When they do something, it's like at least they went through the effort, but when there's nothing, and that's what's hurting you, it can't get worse than that. Add onto that when you try, and get nothing in return. Apart from all those negative people, you feel humiliated. You allow yourself to be in this state. Yet from everything you've seen, it doesn't seem like that someone, or fuck it, anyone cares. You tell your close friends. They end up giving you some shitty advice about how you should stop caring. Seriously? Do you think you should get some award for that. Here's a dose of reality, don't you think I would if I could. What's even better is when they tell you try after being humiliated. How? One friend said blog it, it could make you feel better, hell, if you're lucky get positive results. I doubt that. I have a much higher chance of getting negative results, and possibly give off what this is about which I don't want.( Anyone who decently knows me could probably tell, but I'll probably deny if they ask me anyways). But hell, even if the results are negative, at least I'm getting results. It usually ends up with these few friends shrugging it off and talking about how I don't deserve this and all that. (I know, I don't!) The pain majorly out weighs the pride. But I don't know if that's enough to make me lose it. I don't even know what to say anymore. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 46: Enlightenment In A Concrete Jungle



" Paradise , a breathetaking world"

It's been a while, a long one. Not fully my fault. I have internet, and I've been trying to post for days now. Issue is, the internet is on my phone, and the hotspot it provides is way too slow for my laptop, so at the moment I've sent this to a friend of mine and asked him to post it for me. So I apologize if the format is a bit off, although I'll make sure he tries and gets it decently right which shouldn't be too hard considering he's a blogger. Trying to stay committed. A quality I wish lots of people possessed. Let's not lose track, people who suck at committing to things are far from my concern today. Before I jump in to the topic, I doubt I'll be able to post until I get back to my motherland, which is around August 5th, so don't expect anything else before that date, I'm already moving mountains trying to post this one. This one be a friendly toned update of all the tourist sites I've been to and souvenirs I've bought. It'll be just as real, hell, even more real than most my blog posts. So let's gets started. Malaysia has always been special. Last year, I came back a different person from it. I'm guessing it's the food (trying to make a joke there). Why? I have no idea. I went there arguably one of the most closed, socially outcasted, and dull people. I came back, suddenly made friends, had my DJ career somewhat blow up. My name turned into a nickname, so things changed. But when I arrive in this tropical heaven, things usually take a downfall. Things this year haven't been different, in fact much worse. So last year I barely had friends, and I lost them (but I didn't like most of them anyways). Had a girl, surprise surprise, lost that too. All within the first few days of reaching heaven last year. That's a nice summary. This year, I wish it was that simple and straight forward. Last year I lost everyone I had at that time. But I was in tropical heaven so it was pretty easy getting it all of my mind. The complexity this year is a million times greater. I lost one person who meant the world to me, much more than a friend, over some stupid decisions I made. The only person who proved to me they cared throughout the years. The one person who saw me for who I really was, and who I really am. Not a single day passes where I don't think about how things were. Any who, don't want to turn this into a sadly toned post. I'm far from sad, I'm actually quite happy, how could I be not when I'm in tropical heaven? But I know you wouldn't be interested in the fun I'm having. So let's get to the climax of the story. I can already feel myself changing up. Maturing is the word for it. I finally feel like I can make my decisions on my own. If I have a problem, I keep it to myself, barely tell my friends (Which sounds a bit hypocritical since I blog most my problems like I'm doing now, but you get the point). I'm keeping in touch pretty well with almost everyone, apart from a couple people I could name, and one of them actually matters to me. So basically, there's major complexity with every aspect of my life at the moment, and wouldn't be surprised if something came crashing down on me soon. The catch is, the "Enlightenment" I feel I went through, is that now, I know I can take a lot more blows and punches then I could. I honestly don't know if my personality has changed, I can only judge on that when I interact with the people I used to. I've also decided to completely shut myself off from the world tomorrow or something. I just want it to be tropical heaven and I. There's too much negativity in my life. The next few days or so should be an escape from it. It's only from one side, but one that sadly matters to me, and to be honest, I just want to have fun! Me, myself, and this tropical heaven. That sounded quite gay. Anywho, I'm typing this up on my phone which is pretty annoying, so until I'm back to my motherland, and with all due respect, Fiasco out.

Day 45: In Love With Medusa

Day 45: In Love With Medusa

"Go on, and let your intent be seriousness"

So my last two posts got "accidentally" deleted. Not really. I just felt like I shared things which I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Enough said. Today was quite the day. For the past hour or so, I've been Skyping with a good friend of mine, Lil Man to all those who've been keeping up from the early days. I've been coldly replying and just saying "yeah, okay, sure" as replies. Why? Cause this is thinking time. My brain automatically just starts analyzing everything. It's not like I'm over thinking. It's more like I'm thinking about many prospects of my current life and future. Let's start by stating, I have too many fake friends. Some too close, and that I've made a big mistake trusting. These are the kinds of people who are taking advantage of me, and manipulating me. Surprisingly, they show up at good times, and then when I have bad moments, they're still there. Didn't make sense right? They are there, no denying that. But they stand there telling you it's your fault, and refuse to get involved what so ever. You push them into it, since you believe they're your friends, but then you notice, they're only taking advantage of you. Call me crazy, but I've been getting these dreams lately. Now I'm far from superstitious, but they've been repetitive. Some I've refused, and will not talk about to anyone. It's happened four or five times. I'm the type of person who has dreams which never make sense, but these ones, super realistic, to the point where when I wake up, I don't know if I'm still dreaming or not. Something certainly is up. These dreams have touched every aspect of my life so far, and sadly, given me negative results in all of them. I'd rather stop talking about this before I get a knock on the door tomorrow and end up in a mental clinic. I think this is all a result of me stressing out and barely getting any sleep lately. I've just honestly had too much to think about. Ramadan isn't that big of an issue with me. I fast regularly, and avoid all negative things during fasting hours. I do all the mandatory things. Won't lie and say I've been going over the top, because still, I'm far from what you call religious and recognize that. My relationship? It's been alright. Settling in, and fighting with all my power to make sure it still going on in an amazing pace, yet that's been quite difficult lately due to the horrendous emptiness in my state of mind which I've been suffering from. Basically, I over think everything, and that causes assumptions, which are correct at times, but wrong at others. Let's keep it at that. None the less, judging on today's conversation rate and topics, it's going pretty well. Here's the major issue. I've decided to put my career on a steady hold next year, I have enough distractions already. No more parties. I'll mix at home for fun, but I don't need the stress of parties pressuring me. I have high hopes, and I'm aiming for top grades, and I know how that much of a challenge it could be. I need to ace my IG's, and end up in a tropical country university. I don't need a scholarship, I just need to be accepted into a top college. I've been analyzing my probability of ending up in a first class college, and let's just say, my mind has been quite disappointing. But I'm the type of person who responds positively when in a negative mentality. I'm starting to doze off now, let's just hope I wake up in a less serious mood. With all due respect, Fiasco out.  

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder 

"Malaysia, truly Asia."

Another good day, kind of feels like a double kill these days. I mean the thing that could top it off is a good party on Saturday, and meeting my wonderful misses just once or if I'm lucky twice or something. And the conclusion of these wonderful days would be a nice flight and a few weeks off in Malaysia. I'll miss a few people a lot here, but I really need some time off, like remember the week or so I had that whole crazy depression phase, kind of still haunts me, so I could use Malaysia. Like just in general, it's been more than half a year since I traveled. And I've been to Malaysia a lot before, but this time it's different. Like for example, I'll meet up with a couple of friends there, one who's from where I am, and another is a good friend of mine who's in college. Not to mention I've even gotten a few people who have even said they can hook me up with a few parties which should be insane. But that's not really what I'm looking for, all I need is an escape from the world here. In all the times I've been there, I've never been too far out of the metropolis areas, but this time I've made my dad promise to just let me go to one of the islands there, relax by the beach, just block out all the negativity I've faced recently. Like now there's arguably no negativity, other than my parents making me face the usual problems with them being over protective, but I've gotten used to that. I mean that week where no one was there for me, or at least no one who could have effected me was there, I realized, at times, you just need a break. This seems like the perfect opportunity. Just me, my over protective family, and a highly developed country with a mentality that suits mine. I could also use a wardrobe update! But a few months ago, I would've expected myself to be looking differently at this trip. I would've been wanting to party hard, go wild, somehow end up with herpes after not even remembering the night before, but no that's not what I want. I'm at a party almost every week, fuck, I am the party. When I show up, I could be the factor which decides whether this is the shittiest party of the year, or the best, and I can tell you that it's the best (damn that was cocky). But no, nothing wild this vacation. So yeah, I'm in a good mood again. Double kill. None the less, I can't deny the reason for my happiness. It's a girl who was too short to put her hands around my shoulder when we once danced and put her hands around me instead. But she's not just any girl, she's the reason behind my smile at the moment. Let me just say, thank you, and I love you. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Day 43: Electronically Entertained

Day 43: Electronically Entertained 

"For ever minute you are sad, you lose a minute of happiness"

Today was quite the day. It started off well, and ended up even better. I haven't worked out today. Fuck it, I don't want to get ripped, I'm perfectly secure with my scrawny, non intimidating, and far from attractive figure. Well to be honest, I just need motivation to keep committed to something. The reason I blog at a decent rate, is because I get around up to 70, and hell, on intense blogs up to 100 views a day. Today was just spectacular. Like based on my current days, today was just perfect. So it started off as a simple hang out, with a few guys who I had met at those summer lessons I previously talked about. I didn't have high expectations, but to my surprise, it turned out to be one of the most legit hangouts ever. It was just nice, like I don't know hangout wise. Like they're not the usual crowd I hangout with. I mean it's just a change from the usual. The usual, people around me smoking hookah, insulting each other girlfriends, mothers, family, and the usual immature extremely lame phrases. Today, all these guys, had such positive a positive vibe. There was the immaturity and the curse words flying through the air, but not in the usual style or manner, it was just I don't know, cursing with a positive vibe. I just  need friends like these in my life, and I have arguably one friend who has that vibe, no one else I can honestly think of. It was just nice, and something that had just put me in a perfect mood. I'm glad I have met people like those. Add on to that my girlfriend talking to me in the first time for quite while with all the crazy stuff going on, and that just sums up my day. That's not enough for you? Alright then, add on to that, the usual Skype conversations, but with fun topics with all of my close friends who have finally been able to cheer me up. I don't know, I think this is the turning point where shit finally starts going my way. I mean, let's just analyze this based on the aspects of my life. Friends wise, I found a clique which is far from my usual, but also much more positive than the usual. Career wise, it's the usual, no turning point there. Education wise is also the usual. Family wise, nothing really, travelling soon so I guess that's a positive, after the few rough past week or so, I could really use a few weeks away from this place. I also need lots of brightly colored skinny pants, and lots of plain t's and cardigans. Could use some new shoes too (no homo). Relationship wise, being straight forward and hoping I won't get bashed at for this, it wasn't great due to the lack of conversation, but today just brought things back to the amazing old days, so very major turning point there. I mean everything in my life is not going negatively, and some even going positively. So in conclusion, today has been good day. Hell, lot's of people on friendzone got accepted, which put me in an even better mood. I hope this continues, and I hope we all have a great day. And congratulations to my very dear friend Azza on getting accepted into the school she anted to go to. With the utmost respect and appreciation, to all my wonderful readers, my wonderful friends, and last but certainly not least, my wonderful misses, Fiasco Out!