Day 71: Caviar

Day 71: Caviar

Done with all my relevant exams! Well everything medicine related. Basically consider myself done. So yeah I'm officially back for the fifth time now? I don't know I lost count the second time about half a year ago? Also lost track. Let's cut the introductions and let me cut straight to it. I have a "slight" change of opinion in something I feel I didn't do justice for. I complained a lot about university last time I posted. A bit expected considering I was walking into exams I was clueless about and that sort of fueled my anger. The most prestigious university in Sudan, feels like the most prestigious university in the nation. I offer my sincerest apologies for attacking it only because I'm academically lacking (something I was never used to) and to the fact I have a horrible batch (then again if you're reading this, you probably don't fall into the horrible category). Why the sudden change of opinion? Well, if you happen to live in the world's most notorious nation, you'd know that there was a bit of unrest about our wonderful government wanting to sell a 114 (I hope I got that number right) year old institute. Before I get into this, let me just state that I don't want to imply any political influence or message. The "Islamic" government is well, yeah you know. I don't like communists or communism, the idea is great but I don't think it can ever be put into practice, and whoever thought democracy is possible in this world is clearly too much of an optimist. So I really have no political views. So the reaction to the news, whether it was a rumor, or not, was the students (not on my campus, and particularly not in my faculty, medicine is sort of the disgrace of the university, nothing but people who want to do anything but study), break into protests, which as you probably know was violent with "officials". If you want to get the entire story it's all over social media. The few times anything broke out on my campus and I happened to be present, I decided to join. I don't know, it just felt like Ii had purpose, and a goal I wanted to accomplish, a sense of belonging to a family and community, even if it was at moments when we had a a pickup truck filled with riot police across the street from us. I still haven't been in a situation where there was tear gas or any violence at all (happens on the other main campus), I still felt something. I feel a bit out of words but I'm hoping what I'm saying is getting to you. I'll keep my 100th comeback short. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.  

Day 70: Dirty Audio

Day 70: Dirty Audio 

Not as consistent as I used to be. But consistent enough. I see quite a number of people have found out that I'm back to this, disappointing, yet exciting. Glad I don't have to do a year and a half of filling in like last time. This all feels a bit weird, that it's been well over a year and I'm keeping this somehow alive. At least I could stay committed somewhat to something in my life, and I'm glad it's not a person. Still feels a bit surreal. I was walking around high school in my tucked in shirt, skinny black jeans I always get shit from teachers for wearing, catching the bus after school, doing my homework, getting kicked out of class at times, ditching school at other days, coming back home to daily typing up how my day went, what was on my mind or what pissed me off. Now I have a DR (Dissecting Room) or some boring lab each morning, I get up on my own, without my mom waking me up, drive my own car to university, rush to catch the lecture cause if I miss one more than my attendance becomes too low and I won't be able to sit the exam. Stay in university until night time drowning in books because I've spent the first four months of the semester doing nothing and there's three weeks until the exam and I have to know the anatomy of the entire human body. Okay I'll stop. I mean if there's a point I'm trying to state, it's just look how quickly everything changed. I've been in university for a year and a half, yet I still feel like I started yesterday with the excitement and hunger of a freshman. I can even remember my first day in my new high school in year 10. Yet here I am, a semester away from exam that determines whether I'm basically done with a third of medical school, fucking hell. I mean I know this isn't a dramatic thing, but isn't it overwhelming? If you're reading this and you're in high school, tomorrow you'll wake up and find yourself a year into university. What about me? Will I wake up tomorrow and find myself a year away from finishing medicine? Unbelievable how time flies. Things have changed dramatically, remember how I used to claim I had two best friends and we were sort of a trio that could never be separated and were with each other everyday? One of them [(Lil Man) He's gonna laugh at his horrible name if he reads it should he remember he posted like four times] is in Eastern Europe and can speak a language that sounds like a scene from Taken now, and the other is in the States (Still in touch though of course). I'm in touch with maybe 4 or 5 girls from high school now, but other than that, all new friends, new people. Hell, this is a new life, one I'm still trying to get accustomed to. And while I'll constantly say take me back two years ago, it'll never happen. Just astonishing, especially if you take a moment to see where your life was two years ago, and where it is now. No complaints though, I'm grateful, and wherever I end up, I shall attempt to adapt (and most likely fail). With all due respect, Fiasco Out.   

Day 69: Machine Gun Funk

Day 69: Machine Gun Funk 

I think I'm back. I don't know this is the best "comeback" line I could think of. Unbelievable that my last blog post was about year and a half ago. Unbelievable how ridiculous I think I sound as I read through all my old posts after all this time, as ridiculous as this one will look in a year and a half. Would it be funny to make a joke about this being day "69"? Sorry I had to. I have joined University of Khartoum, Faculty of Medicine: The most prestigious and sought for faculty in the nation. I've made my parents proud, passed first year (barely), not passing second year as of now but should be able to resurrect it in the next semester. I'm referred to as doctor by all my uncles and aunts, I know which nerve is most likely to be injured if you fall on the mid shaft of your humerus as well (Radial I think). I drive a brand new car with no keys. Life is perfect. Sounds like it at least. Should be if you're not the ungrateful bitch that I am. I'm not ungrateful though, and you never know the blessing you're in until you're not in it anymore. Perfect example would be high school. I loved it, and if you read back I openly stated that. When it was over I couldn't wait to start university. I got into the one I want(ed), studying the major I want(ed). Let me pause for a minute because I still haven't got used to typing again. University has deteriorated my English immensely. Used big words there to make it sound ironic. If people read my blog it was to hear me complain about the same things they complain about. I am about to begin. The most prestigious university in the nation doesn't feel so prestigious (to me at least). Most of the people in it seem to absolutely love it. I mean to be honest according to anyone in any other batch in all the other faculties I was fortunate enough to end up in what is the worst batch in the campus (I agree, but if you're reading this and you're in my batch you probably aren't one of the reasons). It's a nice place, with freedom educationally and politically. But it isn't what I vouched for in every way possible. The major problem is I feel like I can't be myself with the people around me (besides the squad). Everything I would usually say would be deemed inappropriate and unacceptable, I think the issue is there. Not to mention the things everyone does for fun are so unbelievably dull. We have a book club, one that people actually go to...I'm trying to clear this up in a way that doesn't make you think of me as some rebel that wants to come off as a bad ass. I actually feel anti social the moment I step into campus. I still can't get used to the fact that in I'm half way through second year, and there has been two gatherings that were outside university that involved both genders. TWO in a year and a half, that ended up with the guys sitting on one end and talking to each other and the girls sitting on the other. I actually feel anti social, something I haven't felt since I was the short Sudanese kid in fifth grade in a class full of racists Arabs. Educationally I'm struggling, because I need pressure to study. I have a mid and a final each semester, that I panic study one week before and end up failing. No assignments, nothing to make me feel like opening a book. As you can tell it's also not a party university (it's the exact damn opposite), so my DJ career has spiraled, I occasionally DJ but nowhere at the rate I did before. There's pluses. I've met some amazing people, I have an amazing new squad, having my own car is amazing. But the major aspects of my life, I just don't know what to feel about them. With all due respect, Fiasco out. (Feels weird saying that...)   

Day 68: Telemiscommunications

Day 68: Telemiscommunications  

Wow hasn't it been a while? Don't I disappear every year around this time? I won't say I'm back and all that, cause I'm sort of a bit disappointed that every time I blog, including today, I seem like an over dramatic 16 year old girl. But what's interesting about this blog, is I just scroll down and I relive the days starting from Year 10 up until the days of when I finished high school. Wow. This blog, has literally been through like 3 different relationships, over the past two years. Even looking forward to take in with me to university, making a part of two different educational systems. What a journey it has been. Okay let's skip me awing at all the "amazing" things about this blog and jump straight into the topic. So I have passed my IGCSE exams and thank God with results that made me, and my family proud. I have yet to get accepted into any university. So here's the catch about that. I want to join University of Khartoum, the most respected and prestigious university in Sudan without a doubt. Faculty of Medicine. Half the population wants to join as well and IGCSE students already have a tough enough time getting in. I won't get into the complicated application procedures which have been hassling for the past month, but just pray that I get in. So here's something I want to talk about relating to this. A lot of my friends are a year younger, and all of them complain about how it's mentally cracking them and all that. I was in the same position last year, and I get exactly the pressure each and every one of them is going through. I thought that it was the worst feeling in the world, going through the last year and the stress and exams and all that. But ever since my results, I've discovered a worst feeling, and sadly, it's one that has me going insane nearly every day. I wish I had to wake up at 7 AM everyday and get dressed, go to school half asleep, see my friends, and even the people I hate. I wish I sat in English class which lasted forever, and chemistry class which I fell asleep in. Went home and crashed from exhaustion, woke up and had to jump straight into piles of homework and study my ass off before I had to go to a night class. Text my friend about how I hate school and want the year to be over with. Cause you know what's the worst feeling? The fact that I wake up every afternoon, and have NOTHING to do other than occasionally hitting the gym and going out with my friends. There's no sense of purpose, no sense of direction. Everyday just feels pointless. I don't even know where I'm going to be in a couple of months. That ladies and gentleman, is the worst feeling ever. I can't wait to be complaining a month or two from now about how much I hate school or university or college or where ever I end up. Because many people do not understand how much of a blessing that is. Other than that it's still the usual, I am emotionally drowning, nothing worse than having butterflies in your stomach all day and being trapped within your own mind. DJ wise though, I have had gigs and still got a few more upcoming, so at least that's going well. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 67: Nineteen Eighty-Four

Day 67: Nineteen Eighty-Four 

Three more days and I'm gone. Not feeling great, A sore throat has decided to strike me on a horrible timing, and this might be the beginning of something worse (pray that it's not). I do not know what to expect from my little vacation. I also don't know how it's going to be. Add to the mix that I've gone a lot in the past years, I mean for the past three summers, it has been the same destination. I usually don't leave the capital, but this year it seems like that's going to change. Add to the mix I know a few people there so that might mean some more fun. However I'm also fasting and out and walking for the entire so that entirely kills me every day until it's time to break the fast. It also means that I cannot have a day which compares which may look of a scene of The Hangover movies (particularly the one where they go to Thailand). I understand that my blog has influence quite a number of people, as of lately a few people have actually told me that they want to change because they fall into what I describe as negatives on this blog. That somewhat puts a burden on my shoulders to be very careful about what I say. If I want to influence people, it is to make people better as individuals. I am far from perfect as an individual, I am not better than anyone. I have positives and negatives just like everyone does. None the less, I will still stand by previous and future statements, even though I understand they may contradict with what I believe are somewhat unfair social beliefs of this country. So in short, to those of you who strictly obey the rules forced upon us by this cruel society, which has a vague application of religion to culture, people like me will be the cancer of this society. No, I am not saying I will contradict my religion. Never. I am sinner, similar to all of you. However, I will contradict those who believe they have successfully mix religion and culture. I mean look at our country, arguably one of the poorest in the world. Why? Due to this vague understanding and attempt of an implication of religion. Should a proper Islamic community be established, then the community and nation will be one of the most successful in the world. That is my belief. Okay, let me not zone out into something above most of our understanding, including my own. I have seen people somewhat receive some stick for reasons possibly relating to a few of my posts. I mean I understand some people assume some things I write may be indirect attacks at people, and although they are not, that's something they can't understand. However, I don't think we are ever in a position to directly attack people through social networks, and it sort of bothered me seeing someone people for some reason have related my posts to being called names. Should my blog have had anything to do with it, and someone thinks that simply due to an assumption they have the right to judge someone, then I feel like I have indirectly influenced actions which I would never approve off. If there's anything I wanted to do, is to attack judgment on people, not influence it. We are all in no position to judge anyone, for we don't know there story, nor their intentions. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 66: Missing A Six

Day 66: Missing A Six 

Inconsistency should be my middle name. Apparently I have a few friends who get very agitated when I go a few days without blogging so sincerest apologies. It's just that to be honest, there is a lack of content, and also a lack of time management. Plus, I won't just blog anything, because I always strive to make my blogs top notch, different, and interesting. I don't copy anyone, and like to have my own style and way of doing things. So past three days, I've been attempting to build up an appetite but miserably been failing, my diet plan has spiraled because I can't find a balance to measure my weight and accordingly start my plan. I've also been accused of sub blogging (if such a thing exists). You see people really need to understand that I do not focus my blog on specific people, and they're generalized, however, I will admit that the actions of many of the people I know do influence the topics, but I don't just sit there and go like oh I don't like so and so, let me sit here and subliminally insult there ass. Nope, not how things happen. I'm not going to focus on that because I've explained that a million times, and this just made it a million and one. So, good news for me, I should be, hopefully, leaving this country within a week. Where am I going? The amazing concrete jungle, Kuala Lumpur. Just like last summer, it means I won't be blogging for nearly a month, but also similarly it means this is around the same topic. You see, for the past two years, every time I went, I was in a relationship. A few days into Malaysia, and they'd magically have a downfall and that would really kill the vacation, not when I'm out, but when you wake up and you start over thinking. Now, no straight up commitments. I'm sixteen, curios, and this seems perfectly set up to be a wild vacation. Hopefully, and please do pray that this vacation goes smoothly (not that the past ones haven't been smooth, but just smoother). Add to the mix that whenever I come back from vacations, I feel like a different person, like I feel more mature and changed (for the better). I keep in touch with everyone when I'm gone, but to be honest, I just feel like not even getting internet when I'm there, and just forgetting the world and enjoying myself. But, we all know that won't happen. So with all due respect, Fiasco Out.   

Day 65: Daydream

Day 65: Daydream 

A perfect morning. Woke up after over sleeping which resulted in me getting all the rest I needed. Listening to some Lupe, and honestly this the perfect song to put me in a state of mind which I need, the lyrics are ironic to some extent, and the beat is sampled from a jazz song. Perfect. As for yesterday in what was a do or die situation, I am glad to inform you that I did. Regardless of what people thought about the party itself, the decision was unanimous that killed it. I feel like I've proved my point. I'm satisfied, so regardless of after today whether the gigs keep rolling in, or I'm staying home in my bed room, eyes closed, imagining a crowd of a 100,000 in front of me. As of yesterday, I have resorted out my priorities. With education on a pause at the moment considering its summer, I can focus on music and my friends. I won't lie, I can't hit it off with a girl to save my life, I mean I can try, but I would get rejected quicker than you can blink your eye, so fuck that shit, plus to be honest, I have sort of a commitment in my life at the moment (teaser because I'll never talk about that). But as of resorting out my priorities, I have a sense of stability in my life, something which I lacked for the previous years in my life. My priorities were completely wrong. I mean here's how it is: family, education (which now is vague up until university), friends, music, and then material things (which include guilty pleasures such as girls). Material things shouldn't even be there, but whatever, we all like material things, so I will not deny it. What I don't have time for is those high school 30 minute relationships with girls who are drama hungry, especially now and specifically for the past year where I have discovered what I want, and ironically it was standing right in front of me. It's quite ironic, I mean everything I hate she's not, but everything I like, she's not either, and even though that may seem a bit off, it's actually the perfect balance. So I'm done with all these fucked up commitments, and finally have a sense of direction regarding the whole matter. I feel sorry though, because I look at a lot of my close friends, and they're still indulging themselves in these loose ended commitments. But everyone reaches the point in there life where they meet that one person which completely changes there view on the emotional part of our lives, which is a major part, and that's a fact no matter how hard we deny, and how tough we think we are, we are all a sucker to our emotions. But I'm a sucker for the right person, and my eyes aren't blinded by emotions, ironically, my eyes are open because of them. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.