Day 53: A Summer Bromance
I type this before I jump into a math chapter of graphs I barely know anything about. God knows how I'll pass IG's. The amount of pressure is unbearable. Here's a nice fact about me. I guess how my week is going to be based on football results on the weekend. And, yesterday, Chelsea lost. Far from a good sign. Add to that the fact that every team I hate won. I'm highly superstitious when it comes to things like this. The fact that I have a lot of things taking this place is far from comforting too. Math test tomorrow, religion test on Tuesday, chemistry test on Wednesday, and a history report due God knows when. Parent's evening on Wednesday or something too. I mean this situation can't get any worse. The thing is, I never have time to "just study". I do, but it's not enough. For example, I just woke up around 30 minutes ago. I need at least half an hour to get myself properly functioning. By the time I ate something and freshened up for my day, it'll be around 11:45. Assume I have two hours of homework. By the time I'm done it's around 2. I have 3 hours and a half to study. I have to get a million things I barely understand perfectly in my mind by that time. Around 5, I leave for a lesson and by the time I'm back, it's 9, and my mind has had so many things thrown at it, it just simply closes off, I'm fatigued, and by 10, I probably fall asleep in my clothes without even noticing. The daily life of an IG candidate. I barely interact with people anymore. I mean it's not just my weekends that these lessons have ruined, but notice in that schedule, I don't even have time to just watch TV. Listen to music, text a few friends. I've been horrible at keeping in touch lately, and if you're one of those people I used to talk on a daily basis, my deepest apologies, don't blame me, blame the IG life. The past week hasn't been very productive educationally. Every time I decide to study, I fall asleep (I think my mind does it on purpose). Countless doses of caffeine don't work anymore, as if my body has developed some type of biological immunity to it. But then again, it hasn't been completely unproductive when it comes to things such as pointless girls and friends drama (then again, when do I ever get a break from shit like that). I was nothing more than a crush. Those words were said recently and damn did they finally bring some logic into some of this shit. I'm nothing more than the crush kind of guy you feel me? I mean I'll be super kind and a girl will take if for flirting, while acknowledging the fact that I probably say similar things to every girl I talk to, which is true, I am sadly, the nice guy person who won't ever put you down. I'm not hideous (at least I hope not). I'm immature and will occasionally make sexual jokes and push my limits thus offending a female, and then apologizing in some emotional way which makes me come of as I don't know, something. But add to the mix the fact that at times I turn into some philosophical character and say shit which could be quite impressive. I'll make forever alone and internet jokes. I mean the list of things I do does seem to go on. And to some girl that's really "cute". Boom! Next day I'm in my philosophical or whatever mood, play with words and make her admit slight emotions (even if it's just attraction), push things up a level, date for a few months, and then she figures, I was nothing more than a crush driven by the major lust females have but deny. When that happens, I get ignored for a month (majorly uncalled for ironic yet funny remark, well at least to me), get a text out of the blue when absolutely everything is going fine (another ironic remark), or yeah, you get what I mean. I'm easily attached therefore I can't do much about it, I get a text with the usual "it wasn't you, it was me" speech stolen off some cheesy and extremely popular dramatic TV show, and I'm back to how things were. Add to the mix that it barely takes me any time to get over someone no matter how attached I am. Give it a week, and I'm cracking jokes about the billions of flaws I missed the whole time! I usually blame myself for things, like hey, I never should have done that, or said that. That's the reason. Everyone agrees to it. But no. It's never something I did. It's simply who I am. I am blabbing on so I'll pause myself. Just for the record, I get it's not right for me to classify myself as whatever I just classified myself as, but then again, not like someone else has a blog about me, so I'll just speak from unbiased and real perspective as much as I can. I really wanted to talk about something more important considering I put things like that on hold. The community I'm in based on hypocrisy is killing me. I'll leave that to the next post though, and sincerest apologies for my uncalled for remarks. I'm an sarcastic asshole, one of the traits that make me fall in love with myself. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.
Day 52: Bagpipes From Baghdad
I type this blog while listening to some Santana, meaning I'm in somewhat of a positive mood. There's so much I want to talk about today. I was reading the post of one of my friends, and she was on point with something I could highly relate to. I'm a prefect. Same kind as the one's in Harry Potter or whatever, if you go to the typical third world school, Google what it is, I'm not going to explain what a prefect is. I mean she's head girl which is a much larger responsibility. But even though, I still have to a do a few things every now and then that a typical student wouldn't do. Some of these things require respect from other students. That's the problem, I barely get any. What am I going to do? Snitch? Throw a punch? Obviously not. There's no solution. It's overrated. The only perk is that at times, well actually rarely, I get to show up 5 minutes late or something. Other than that, whenever I do something wrong or mess around (which is a lot), I get this whole lecture from teachers over how I'm a prefect and should set an example. Set an example? Do you not know this school? All these children are a bunch of immature, stuck up brats. I mean I'm included at times, but they just take it to a whole new level. I sincerely wish anyone who has no sense of respect and wants to appear cool nothing but suffering. You truly don't deserve anything you were blessed with. Ignorant cunts. In addition, there's this kid who is like 5 years younger than me thinking he can push me around. It's funny because the only reason I stay quiet is that I know it's not the kid. I mean he's a kid, but he knows I at any given moment can just slap him. What I've noticed is that that's exactly what they want me to do. They, not him. Someone wants me to lose my nerve, do that, and then use that as an excuse to come after me. Might as well give them what they want. This will probably in some sort of physical confrontation, which I always tried to avoid. But it's been what, 5 years since I got in some decent fight. Plus I was daredevil child, short back then, but I was always able to whoop ass pretty badly. Not cause I was strong, but I guess it was just instinctive. I hit quick, far from hard since I'm not well built, but did damage and could majorly take some. Let's hope I still got that. I hate when I'm forced into things like this, but fuck it, I won't be pushed around by some hypocrite cunts. I just hate how the society I live in is built on fear, not respect. Ironically, with all due respect, and not fear, Fiasco Out.
Day 51: Where's The Drum and Bass?
Seems like I'm committing well at the moment! (Note the sarcasm) By this post I probably would've hit 4,000. I suffer from lack of material at the moment. I mean to be honest, I tried posting the day after my previous post, and I had nothing good to talk about. What do I blame? Without a doubt the whole IGCSE situation. It basically has killed off all my priorities and concerns. I mean I spend an extra 15 hours a day (so that's technically two school days) in night lessons. Add it and it's like going to school all week basically. The one day which I can go out, I have a lesson on that finishes at 9 on. I also have to be home before midnight. So I basically have 3 hours which I'm allowed to have somewhat of a social life on. I mean I don't spend my whole day studying. Matter of fact, I haven't studied anything like for the sake of studying yet. I just do my homework and all and use that as my form of studying. I was never good with straight up exams and all that, but this is a life changing one, so I'll make sure I don't mess this one up. So yesterday was the weekend! Was an okay day, would've been really good if the place wasn't crowded. I just have an issue when I know too many people at one place, and there's just no space in general. I usually can't sort the place out, nor do I feel comfortable. I was in a good mood though, so that's ironic judging on the amounts of people that came. I mean that's my lack of material right there, no dramatic stories which everyone wants, nothing major coming up. My life is pretty much at a stead hold moment. Nothing really happening. I'll focus on school, my future, and that's it. Not like I have time for anything else. And to be honest, not like I need anything getting in the way of that. With all due respect, Fiasco out.
Day 50: Bolly Will Take Medusa!
Day 50! It's finally here! I'd just like to propose a toast at the moment. Firstly, I'd like to thank Acer for producing the laptop through which I type, Zain for providing the internet which I use, and lastly my readers. I'm just attempting to be funny. It's Day 50, and I honestly don't expect more than 50 views on my page, but astonishingly, you all have me just a tad away from 4,000 which we'll hit in a day or two. So thank you all. I may not know you, but I feel like if you're reading this, we're family. And we've grown together through this journey, and soon enough, we'll be on Day 100! I haven't posted in a while. I'm an IG candidate with my whole life ahead of me, so it's a bit tough finding time to post. I will try my best though, at times I'll post almost daily, and at other times, I barely will, so please bare with me. Let's see? Damn I have a lot to talk about. Okay, so this is awkward considering up to Day 40 or so I was bragging about how awesome my relationship is. Punch line is, I'm single (willing to mingle for all the lovely ladies reading this). Why, who, what, when, where, and how? I'm just as clueless as you are about it! It's funny though. I promise you I am grinning like crazy while I type this up at the irony of the situation. I mean I want to provide a story, but I don't even know what the story is. I'm impressed by the way I'm dealing with it all though. I mean isn't life priceless. I've always been criticized for sharing too much of my personal life. But I mean no one can really use it against me considering I don't care much about my social life. Whether it shoots through the roof, or it's the worst in the school's, I couldn't care less. I guess I just let people know too much about me. But I think that's what makes me special. I don't hide much, I mean everyone has their secrets, and I'm no different. I share a lot, but you'd be surprised the things no one knows. Let's just keep it at that. I mean if I didn't share a bit too much I wouldn't have a decently successful blog. It's been forever since I posted. There really hasn't been much to talk about. There was never was, I just basically over do everything I say and make it seem interesting and something you can relate to. Something interesting that happened is we had to write a two page modern version of a fairy tale for English. I chose to write a modernized version of Cinderella. Basic summary of the summary is she's a cashier at fast food restaurant. She's a foster girl, but instead of giving her an evil step mother, I just made her a girl out of the foster system which she hates. The two evil step sisters are two models who share her apartment and pay a much larger share of the rent, therefore they pick on her and she stays quite. One day the to bitches go to a party, of the rich teen gentleman figure of the city and she's not invited. Fairy God Mother pops in, does her usual speech, convinces her to go the party. The rich gentleman guy ends up with her all night, she tells him her story, says she has to leave by midnight. He holds her, her dress and make up disappears and he kisses her! (Woo!) Okay, so I didn't want to share my story to impress you. The thing about it, it was written in the first person perspective from Cinderella's view. I had to sound, think, and act like a girl. So I chose my blogging tone, which being honest does sound like a girl (Not something I'm proud of). So I ended up scoring the highest in my class on that. Comforting ain't it? Only time I achieve something is when I'm sounding like a girl. And on that bombshell it's time to end today's post. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.
Day 49: Go Figure
Well yesterday was certainly the day. In such a good mood that as I'm typing this up I feel my fingers jump with the beat of the song as if I'm playing a piano. That's the beauty of house music. I'm not rapping along to how many bitches I have or singing until my throat hurts. Jump simply moving my fingers to the beat. Hell, I feel my soul move to the beat! That was deep, so deep I can't even see myself right now. Deadmau5- Strobe (AutoLaser Remix). That's the song, just for the those who might consider checking it out. Well let's jump into the good stuff. Yesterday I met up with some friends. The thing is, we don't go to the same school. So unlike most of my people's gatherings, it's not full of gossip about how much they hate other cliques. I mean, won't be a hypocrite, I join in on those conversations as well, but having lots of random topics just flow along, was just beautiful. Like I certainly felt the vibe hit me yesterday. It's not everyday you run into people who can just naturally hit you with a positive vibe, and maybe the reason why I've had such a rough time a while back is because I was blocking that vibe. So basically, no whining today, no complaining, and certainly no subliminal messages to anyone. Today is just me acknowledging the few people who recently walked into my life and made a lot better. I mean I don't mention names but I'm sure they'll pick themselves out. There's this one girl, I can trust with my life. Like if I have any issue, she's always there. Yesterday certainly missed her, but hell, it's not everyday you find someone who you know you can trust, and in my case, I barely trust anyone, so I feel blessed to have run into her. Someone who you don't even need to tell something is wrong. They can pick your mood out through just a text. Then there's this one girl, who can light up your day with a call. I don't know if she knows it, but her smile just lights up the whole room. We've been growing closer day by day. The conversations I had with her yesterday, the laughs, what more could ask for? Her vibe is just so positive, it can probably turn the night to day. She's that one of kind person, that you'll arguably meet once in a lifetime. I could go on forever, and there's plenty of other people I met recently, but these two certainly are the ones who stand out at the moment. Apologies if I left anyone out who believes they deserve to be included, you probably do, but my posts are long enough as they are. So as of know, confidence level is still on infinite, still plenty of Arrow episodes to watch, great friends as I stated earlier, vibe is positive, DJ skills sharpening up even more as I'm starting to mix a bit of rock into my house, things are only getting better. I'm content, hell, I'm happy with my life right now. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.
Day 48: Fist Pumped The Pain Away
I'm starting to think I can seriously be diagnosed with bipolarity. Yesterday I was whining like a little bitch about a problem. Today? Watched countless episodes of Arrow (which is the best series created in the history of all TV shows known to man). Been working on music, on a rate where I download 2+ GB of music a day for the past 4 days, of every genre you can think off (except metal, hate that shit). 3 party worthy bootlegs a day. I've really been doing all I can to step up my game. Just wish I did it a bit earlier than the year I'm an IGCSE candidate. Keep in mind that I said I'm not going to be an official DJ for any party. That doesn't mean I won't show up, feature, possibly throw in a few playlists to who need them. I just won't go through the stress of planning out a party, preparing, and procedures of a party. I won't have time for all that. Yesterday, I won't lie, I had somewhat of an emotional and mental breakdown. Called one of my friends, had him over, talked it out, took some pain killers (not in an I'm an American middle age mom who's addicted to them) kind of way. They just calm me down. That made me sound like an addict. I barely take them, I don't want my social accounts and rumors tomorrow cause of a remark I made without noticing. So yeah, the mental breakdown I had yesterday was cause of the problem I posted about. It's a problem worth worrying about, one that's out of my power and in someone else's hand after I did all I could. I honestly feel pathetic, letting myself have a mental breakdown over an individual. Shows me how vulnerable I made myself. When I haven't even done something notably wrong that I'm aware of, and even if I did, not even worth being told I did something wrong. So to conclude that issue, I've made that problem a priority of mine for too long, had it nearly ruin my vacation, lose my confidence for quite a while, enter a major depression period and even have a mental breakdown over. All over nothing. I can't keep trying to force something that's two sided into one. I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall. I'm done humiliating myself. I shouldn't keep killing myself mentally over someone who makes me feel worthless, because even if it seems like I'm worth nothing to someone at the moment, I'm worth something to a lot of people. Worth the world to some. And let's not forget, also a charmer! (Wink, wink) My confidence level has been up, my DJ skills have been majorly sharpening, and after finally getting my mind straight, rearranging my priorities for the time being. Until that problem turns from a problem over nothing to something, its far from priority. Funny right? I make it seem as if it was someone else who posted yesterday. But like I said, I've matured. Not fully as I've noted yesterday, but enough to know I decide my happiness and well being, and nothing else. I've got new killer tracks, major bootlegs, planning on making hour long pop mash-ups (Not electronic, but pop, as in something that everyone loves). They'll step into tracks from The Caribbean tropical islands, killer hip hop tracks, hottest Ibiza club hits, and even slow jam tracks for all those couples and people who like spicing things up! It's something that'll take a while so please bare with me. School's next week. Not looking forward to that. School's just overrated, and there's too many people who just disgust me. If you're reading this, you're probably not one of them! On the contrary, I'm glad I got my sanity back after a sleepless night followed by a day where I had a mental breakdown. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.
Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?
Well I'm officially back to blogging. Before I jump into anything. Malaysia was beautiful. It was an opportunity to run away, and I took it. Well let's jump to something. I'm not there anymore, and remember how I said I can take a lot more punches and blows? Well, I've been proven right. I wish I wasn't. Being stronger just means one thing, I'm going to be able to deal with much more. That much more is directly proportional to the pain it brings. I just wish I was back in Malaysia. The thing is, I don't know if I'm a drama queen or not. Well if I wasn't, would I have a popular blog? So many things contradict. I usually sleep around midnight. I stayed up until around 6 AM last night just thinking, playing music. I have this thing I do called musical therapy. I basically start with sad songs, and go more positive. I eventually end up feeling great. Didn't work last night, for the first time in years. The thing is, I just wish I could directly just yell out my problems here or something. No escape, no one to tell, nothing. It's really one thing that's getting to me. Honestly, fuck the rest for all I care. Like I usually play mind games on people, but this time, I've fallen for this sick endless mind game myself is playing on me. It's ironic how you can allow someone just kill you emotionally without even doing anything. That's the worse kind of pain. It feels much better when they do something, but fuck, when the reason is that they're doing nothing at all, and that's killing you. It makes you feel pathetic, worthless, weak, stupid, you name every damn kind of negative thing you can feel, and you feel them. You have no one but yourself to blame. When they do something, it's like at least they went through the effort, but when there's nothing, and that's what's hurting you, it can't get worse than that. Add onto that when you try, and get nothing in return. Apart from all those negative people, you feel humiliated. You allow yourself to be in this state. Yet from everything you've seen, it doesn't seem like that someone, or fuck it, anyone cares. You tell your close friends. They end up giving you some shitty advice about how you should stop caring. Seriously? Do you think you should get some award for that. Here's a dose of reality, don't you think I would if I could. What's even better is when they tell you try after being humiliated. How? One friend said blog it, it could make you feel better, hell, if you're lucky get positive results. I doubt that. I have a much higher chance of getting negative results, and possibly give off what this is about which I don't want.( Anyone who decently knows me could probably tell, but I'll probably deny if they ask me anyways). But hell, even if the results are negative, at least I'm getting results. It usually ends up with these few friends shrugging it off and talking about how I don't deserve this and all that. (I know, I don't!) The pain majorly out weighs the pride. But I don't know if that's enough to make me lose it. I don't even know what to say anymore. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.
I type this before I jump into a math chapter of graphs I barely know anything about. God knows how I'll pass IG's. The amount of pressure is unbearable. Here's a nice fact about me. I guess how my week is going to be based on football results on the weekend. And, yesterday, Chelsea lost. Far from a good sign. Add to that the fact that every team I hate won. I'm highly superstitious when it comes to things like this. The fact that I have a lot of things taking this place is far from comforting too. Math test tomorrow, religion test on Tuesday, chemistry test on Wednesday, and a history report due God knows when. Parent's evening on Wednesday or something too. I mean this situation can't get any worse. The thing is, I never have time to "just study". I do, but it's not enough. For example, I just woke up around 30 minutes ago. I need at least half an hour to get myself properly functioning. By the time I ate something and freshened up for my day, it'll be around 11:45. Assume I have two hours of homework. By the time I'm done it's around 2. I have 3 hours and a half to study. I have to get a million things I barely understand perfectly in my mind by that time. Around 5, I leave for a lesson and by the time I'm back, it's 9, and my mind has had so many things thrown at it, it just simply closes off, I'm fatigued, and by 10, I probably fall asleep in my clothes without even noticing. The daily life of an IG candidate. I barely interact with people anymore. I mean it's not just my weekends that these lessons have ruined, but notice in that schedule, I don't even have time to just watch TV. Listen to music, text a few friends. I've been horrible at keeping in touch lately, and if you're one of those people I used to talk on a daily basis, my deepest apologies, don't blame me, blame the IG life. The past week hasn't been very productive educationally. Every time I decide to study, I fall asleep (I think my mind does it on purpose). Countless doses of caffeine don't work anymore, as if my body has developed some type of biological immunity to it. But then again, it hasn't been completely unproductive when it comes to things such as pointless girls and friends drama (then again, when do I ever get a break from shit like that). I was nothing more than a crush. Those words were said recently and damn did they finally bring some logic into some of this shit. I'm nothing more than the crush kind of guy you feel me? I mean I'll be super kind and a girl will take if for flirting, while acknowledging the fact that I probably say similar things to every girl I talk to, which is true, I am sadly, the nice guy person who won't ever put you down. I'm not hideous (at least I hope not). I'm immature and will occasionally make sexual jokes and push my limits thus offending a female, and then apologizing in some emotional way which makes me come of as I don't know, something. But add to the mix the fact that at times I turn into some philosophical character and say shit which could be quite impressive. I'll make forever alone and internet jokes. I mean the list of things I do does seem to go on. And to some girl that's really "cute". Boom! Next day I'm in my philosophical or whatever mood, play with words and make her admit slight emotions (even if it's just attraction), push things up a level, date for a few months, and then she figures, I was nothing more than a crush driven by the major lust females have but deny. When that happens, I get ignored for a month (majorly uncalled for ironic yet funny remark, well at least to me), get a text out of the blue when absolutely everything is going fine (another ironic remark), or yeah, you get what I mean. I'm easily attached therefore I can't do much about it, I get a text with the usual "it wasn't you, it was me" speech stolen off some cheesy and extremely popular dramatic TV show, and I'm back to how things were. Add to the mix that it barely takes me any time to get over someone no matter how attached I am. Give it a week, and I'm cracking jokes about the billions of flaws I missed the whole time! I usually blame myself for things, like hey, I never should have done that, or said that. That's the reason. Everyone agrees to it. But no. It's never something I did. It's simply who I am. I am blabbing on so I'll pause myself. Just for the record, I get it's not right for me to classify myself as whatever I just classified myself as, but then again, not like someone else has a blog about me, so I'll just speak from unbiased and real perspective as much as I can. I really wanted to talk about something more important considering I put things like that on hold. The community I'm in based on hypocrisy is killing me. I'll leave that to the next post though, and sincerest apologies for my uncalled for remarks. I'm an sarcastic asshole, one of the traits that make me fall in love with myself. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 
