Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Day 49: Go Figure

Day 49: Go Figure

Well yesterday was certainly the day. In such a good mood that as I'm typing this up I feel my fingers jump with the beat of the song as if I'm playing a piano. That's the beauty of house music. I'm not rapping along to how many bitches I have or singing until my throat hurts. Jump simply moving my fingers to the beat. Hell, I feel my soul move to the beat! That was deep, so deep I can't even see myself right now. Deadmau5- Strobe (AutoLaser Remix). That's the song, just for the those who might consider checking it out. Well let's jump into the good stuff. Yesterday I met up with some friends. The thing is, we don't go to the same school. So unlike most of my people's gatherings, it's not full of gossip about how much they hate other cliques. I mean, won't be a hypocrite, I join in on those conversations as well, but having lots of random topics just flow along, was just beautiful. Like I certainly felt the vibe hit me yesterday. It's not everyday you run into people who can just naturally hit you with a positive vibe, and maybe the reason why I've had such a rough time a while back is because I was blocking that vibe. So basically, no whining today, no complaining, and certainly no subliminal messages to anyone. Today is just me acknowledging the few people who recently walked into my life and made a lot better. I mean I don't mention names but I'm sure they'll pick themselves out. There's this one girl, I can trust with my life. Like if I have any issue, she's always there. Yesterday certainly missed her, but hell, it's not everyday you find someone who you know you can trust, and in my case, I barely trust anyone, so I feel blessed to have run into her. Someone who you don't even need to tell something is wrong. They can pick your mood out through just a text. Then there's this one girl, who can light up your day with a call. I don't know if she knows it, but her smile just lights up the whole room. We've been growing closer day by day. The conversations I had with her yesterday, the laughs, what more could ask for? Her vibe is just so positive, it can probably turn the night to day. She's that one of kind person, that you'll arguably meet once in a lifetime. I could go on forever, and there's plenty of other people I met recently, but these two certainly are the ones who stand out at the moment. Apologies if I left anyone out who believes they deserve to be included, you probably do, but my posts are long enough as they are. So as of know, confidence level is still on infinite, still plenty of Arrow episodes to watch, great friends as I stated earlier, vibe is positive, DJ skills sharpening up even more as I'm starting to mix a bit of rock into my house, things are only getting better. I'm content, hell, I'm happy with my life right now. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day 48: Fist Pumped The Pain Away

Day 48: Fist Pumped The Pain Away 

I'm starting to think I can seriously be diagnosed with bipolarity. Yesterday I was whining like a little bitch about a problem. Today? Watched countless episodes of Arrow (which is the best series created in the history of all TV shows known to man). Been working on music, on a rate where I download 2+ GB of music a day for the past 4 days, of every genre you can think off (except metal, hate that shit). 3 party worthy bootlegs a day. I've really been doing all I can to step up my game. Just wish I did it a bit earlier than the year I'm an IGCSE candidate. Keep in mind that I said I'm not going to be an official DJ for any party. That doesn't mean I won't show up, feature, possibly throw in a few playlists to who need them. I just won't go through the stress of planning out a party, preparing, and procedures of a party. I won't have time for all that. Yesterday, I won't lie, I had somewhat of an emotional and mental breakdown. Called one of my friends, had him over, talked it out, took some pain killers (not in an I'm an American middle age mom who's addicted to them) kind of way. They just calm me down. That made me sound like an addict. I barely take them, I don't want my social accounts and rumors tomorrow cause of a remark I made without noticing. So yeah, the mental breakdown I had yesterday was cause of the problem I posted about. It's a problem worth worrying about, one that's out of my power and in someone else's hand after I did all I could. I honestly feel pathetic, letting myself have a mental breakdown over an individual. Shows me how vulnerable I made myself. When I haven't even done something notably wrong that I'm aware of, and even if I did, not even worth being told I did something wrong. So to conclude that issue, I've made that problem a priority of mine for too long, had it nearly ruin my vacation, lose my confidence for quite a while, enter a major depression period and even have a mental breakdown over. All over nothing. I can't keep trying to force something that's two sided into one. I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall. I'm done humiliating myself. I shouldn't keep killing myself mentally over someone who makes me feel worthless, because even if it seems like I'm worth nothing to someone at the moment, I'm worth something to a lot of people. Worth the world to some. And let's not forget, also a charmer! (Wink, wink) My confidence level has been up, my DJ skills have been majorly sharpening, and after finally getting my mind straight, rearranging my priorities for the time being. Until that problem turns from a problem over nothing to something, its far from priority. Funny right? I make it seem as if it was someone else who posted yesterday. But like I said, I've matured. Not fully as I've noted yesterday, but enough to know I decide my happiness and well being, and nothing else. I've got new killer tracks, major bootlegs, planning on making hour long pop mash-ups (Not electronic, but pop, as in something that everyone loves). They'll step into tracks from The Caribbean tropical islands, killer hip hop tracks, hottest Ibiza club hits, and even slow jam tracks for all those couples and people who like spicing things up! It's something that'll take a while so please bare with me. School's next week. Not looking forward to that. School's just overrated, and there's too many people who just disgust me. If you're reading this, you're probably not one of them! On the contrary, I'm glad I got my sanity back after a sleepless night followed by a day where I had a mental breakdown. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?

Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?  

Well I'm officially back to blogging. Before I jump into anything. Malaysia was beautiful. It was an opportunity to run away, and I took it. Well let's jump to something. I'm not there anymore, and remember how I said I can take a lot more punches and blows? Well, I've been proven right. I wish I wasn't. Being stronger just means one thing, I'm going to be able to deal with much more. That much more is directly proportional to the pain it brings. I just wish I was back in Malaysia. The thing is, I don't know if I'm a drama queen or not. Well if I wasn't, would I have a popular blog? So many things contradict. I usually sleep around midnight. I stayed up until around 6 AM last night just thinking, playing music. I have this thing I do called musical therapy. I basically start with sad songs, and go more positive. I eventually end up feeling great. Didn't work last night, for the first time in years. The thing is, I just wish I could directly just yell out my problems here or something. No escape, no one to tell, nothing. It's really one thing that's getting to me. Honestly, fuck the rest for all I care. Like I usually play mind games on people, but this time, I've fallen for this sick endless mind game myself is playing on me. It's ironic how you can allow someone just kill you emotionally without even doing anything. That's the worse kind of pain. It feels much better when they do something, but fuck, when the reason is that they're doing nothing at all, and that's killing you. It makes you feel pathetic, worthless, weak, stupid, you name every damn kind of negative thing you can feel, and you feel them. You have no one but yourself to blame. When they do something, it's like at least they went through the effort, but when there's nothing, and that's what's hurting you, it can't get worse than that. Add onto that when you try, and get nothing in return. Apart from all those negative people, you feel humiliated. You allow yourself to be in this state. Yet from everything you've seen, it doesn't seem like that someone, or fuck it, anyone cares. You tell your close friends. They end up giving you some shitty advice about how you should stop caring. Seriously? Do you think you should get some award for that. Here's a dose of reality, don't you think I would if I could. What's even better is when they tell you try after being humiliated. How? One friend said blog it, it could make you feel better, hell, if you're lucky get positive results. I doubt that. I have a much higher chance of getting negative results, and possibly give off what this is about which I don't want.( Anyone who decently knows me could probably tell, but I'll probably deny if they ask me anyways). But hell, even if the results are negative, at least I'm getting results. It usually ends up with these few friends shrugging it off and talking about how I don't deserve this and all that. (I know, I don't!) The pain majorly out weighs the pride. But I don't know if that's enough to make me lose it. I don't even know what to say anymore. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.