Monday, July 29, 2013

Day 46: Enlightenment In A Concrete Jungle



" Paradise , a breathetaking world"
It's been a while, a long one. Not fully my fault. I have internet, and I've been trying to post for days now. Issue is, the internet is on my phone, and the hotspot it provides is way too slow for my laptop, so at the moment I've sent this to a friend of mine and asked him to post it for me. So I apologize if the format is a bit off, although I'll make sure he tries and gets it decently right which shouldn't be too hard considering he's a blogger. Trying to stay committed. A quality I wish lots of people possessed. Let's not lose track, people who suck at committing to things are far from my concern today. Before I jump in to the topic, I doubt I'll be able to post until I get back to my motherland, which is around August 5th, so don't expect anything else before that date, I'm already moving mountains trying to post this one. This one be a friendly toned update of all the tourist sites I've been to and souvenirs I've bought. It'll be just as real, hell, even more real than most my blog posts. So let's gets started. Malaysia has always been special. Last year, I came back a different person from it. I'm guessing it's the food (trying to make a joke there). Why? I have no idea. I went there arguably one of the most closed, socially outcasted, and dull people. I came back, suddenly made friends, had my DJ career somewhat blow up. My name turned into a nickname, so things changed. But when I arrive in this tropical heaven, things usually take a downfall. Things this year haven't been different, in fact much worse. So last year I barely had friends, and I lost them (but I didn't like most of them anyways). Had a girl, surprise surprise, lost that too. All within the first few days of reaching heaven last year. That's a nice summary. This year, I wish it was that simple and straight forward. Last year I lost everyone I had at that time. But I was in tropical heaven so it was pretty easy getting it all of my mind. The complexity this year is a million times greater. I lost one person who meant the world to me, much more than a friend, over some stupid decisions I made. The only person who proved to me they cared throughout the years. The one person who saw me for who I really was, and who I really am. Not a single day passes where I don't think about how things were. Any who, don't want to turn this into a sadly toned post. I'm far from sad, I'm actually quite happy, how could I be not when I'm in tropical heaven? But I know you wouldn't be interested in the fun I'm having. So let's get to the climax of the story. I can already feel myself changing up. Maturing is the word for it. I finally feel like I can make my decisions on my own. If I have a problem, I keep it to myself, barely tell my friends (Which sounds a bit hypocritical since I blog most my problems like I'm doing now, but you get the point). I'm keeping in touch pretty well with almost everyone, apart from a couple people I could name, and one of them actually matters to me. So basically, there's major complexity with every aspect of my life at the moment, and wouldn't be surprised if something came crashing down on me soon. The catch is, the "Enlightenment" I feel I went through, is that now, I know I can take a lot more blows and punches then I could. I honestly don't know if my personality has changed, I can only judge on that when I interact with the people I used to. I've also decided to completely shut myself off from the world tomorrow or something. I just want it to be tropical heaven and I. There's too much negativity in my life. The next few days or so should be an escape from it. It's only from one side, but one that sadly matters to me, and to be honest, I just want to have fun! Me, myself, and this tropical heaven. That sounded quite gay. Anywho, I'm typing this up on my phone which is pretty annoying, so until I'm back to my motherland, and with all due respect, Fiasco out.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Day 45: In Love With Medusa

Day 45: In Love With Medusa

"Go on, and let your intent be seriousness"
So my last two posts got "accidentally" deleted. Not really. I just felt like I shared things which I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Enough said. Today was quite the day. For the past hour or so, I've been Skyping with a good friend of mine, Lil Man to all those who've been keeping up from the early days. I've been coldly replying and just saying "yeah, okay, sure" as replies. Why? Cause this is thinking time. My brain automatically just starts analyzing everything. It's not like I'm over thinking. It's more like I'm thinking about many prospects of my current life and future. Let's start by stating, I have too many fake friends. Some too close, and that I've made a big mistake trusting. These are the kinds of people who are taking advantage of me, and manipulating me. Surprisingly, they show up at good times, and then when I have bad moments, they're still there. Didn't make sense right? They are there, no denying that. But they stand there telling you it's your fault, and refuse to get involved what so ever. You push them into it, since you believe they're your friends, but then you notice, they're only taking advantage of you. Call me crazy, but I've been getting these dreams lately. Now I'm far from superstitious, but they've been repetitive. Some I've refused, and will not talk about to anyone. It's happened four or five times. I'm the type of person who has dreams which never make sense, but these ones, super realistic, to the point where when I wake up, I don't know if I'm still dreaming or not. Something certainly is up. These dreams have touched every aspect of my life so far, and sadly, given me negative results in all of them. I'd rather stop talking about this before I get a knock on the door tomorrow and end up in a mental clinic. I think this is all a result of me stressing out and barely getting any sleep lately. I've just honestly had too much to think about. Ramadan isn't that big of an issue with me. I fast regularly, and avoid all negative things during fasting hours. I do all the mandatory things. Won't lie and say I've been going over the top, because still, I'm far from what you call religious and recognize that. My relationship? It's been alright. Settling in, and fighting with all my power to make sure it still going on in an amazing pace, yet that's been quite difficult lately due to the horrendous emptiness in my state of mind which I've been suffering from. Basically, I over think everything, and that causes assumptions, which are correct at times, but wrong at others. Let's keep it at that. None the less, judging on today's conversation rate and topics, it's going pretty well. Here's the major issue. I've decided to put my career on a steady hold next year, I have enough distractions already. No more parties. I'll mix at home for fun, but I don't need the stress of parties pressuring me. I have high hopes, and I'm aiming for top grades, and I know how that much of a challenge it could be. I need to ace my IG's, and end up in a tropical country university. I don't need a scholarship, I just need to be accepted into a top college. I've been analyzing my probability of ending up in a first class college, and let's just say, my mind has been quite disappointing. But I'm the type of person who responds positively when in a negative mentality. I'm starting to doze off now, let's just hope I wake up in a less serious mood. With all due respect, Fiasco out.  


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder

Day 44: Too Short To Put Her Hands Around My Shoulder 

"Malaysia, truly Asia."
Another good day, kind of feels like a double kill these days. I mean the thing that could top it off is a good party on Saturday, and meeting my wonderful misses just once or if I'm lucky twice or something. And the conclusion of these wonderful days would be a nice flight and a few weeks off in Malaysia. I'll miss a few people a lot here, but I really need some time off, like remember the week or so I had that whole crazy depression phase, kind of still haunts me, so I could use Malaysia. Like just in general, it's been more than half a year since I traveled. And I've been to Malaysia a lot before, but this time it's different. Like for example, I'll meet up with a couple of friends there, one who's from where I am, and another is a good friend of mine who's in college. Not to mention I've even gotten a few people who have even said they can hook me up with a few parties which should be insane. But that's not really what I'm looking for, all I need is an escape from the world here. In all the times I've been there, I've never been too far out of the metropolis areas, but this time I've made my dad promise to just let me go to one of the islands there, relax by the beach, just block out all the negativity I've faced recently. Like now there's arguably no negativity, other than my parents making me face the usual problems with them being over protective, but I've gotten used to that. I mean that week where no one was there for me, or at least no one who could have effected me was there, I realized, at times, you just need a break. This seems like the perfect opportunity. Just me, my over protective family, and a highly developed country with a mentality that suits mine. I could also use a wardrobe update! But a few months ago, I would've expected myself to be looking differently at this trip. I would've been wanting to party hard, go wild, somehow end up with herpes after not even remembering the night before, but no that's not what I want. I'm at a party almost every week, fuck, I am the party. When I show up, I could be the factor which decides whether this is the shittiest party of the year, or the best, and I can tell you that it's the best (damn that was cocky). But no, nothing wild this vacation. So yeah, I'm in a good mood again. Double kill. None the less, I can't deny the reason for my happiness. It's a girl who was too short to put her hands around my shoulder when we once danced and put her hands around me instead. But she's not just any girl, she's the reason behind my smile at the moment. Let me just say, thank you, and I love you. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Day 43: Electronically Entertained

Day 43: Electronically Entertained 

"For ever minute you are sad, you lose a minute of happiness"
Today was quite the day. It started off well, and ended up even better. I haven't worked out today. Fuck it, I don't want to get ripped, I'm perfectly secure with my scrawny, non intimidating, and far from attractive figure. Well to be honest, I just need motivation to keep committed to something. The reason I blog at a decent rate, is because I get around up to 70, and hell, on intense blogs up to 100 views a day. Today was just spectacular. Like based on my current days, today was just perfect. So it started off as a simple hang out, with a few guys who I had met at those summer lessons I previously talked about. I didn't have high expectations, but to my surprise, it turned out to be one of the most legit hangouts ever. It was just nice, like I don't know hangout wise. Like they're not the usual crowd I hangout with. I mean it's just a change from the usual. The usual, people around me smoking hookah, insulting each other girlfriends, mothers, family, and the usual immature extremely lame phrases. Today, all these guys, had such positive a positive vibe. There was the immaturity and the curse words flying through the air, but not in the usual style or manner, it was just I don't know, cursing with a positive vibe. I just  need friends like these in my life, and I have arguably one friend who has that vibe, no one else I can honestly think of. It was just nice, and something that had just put me in a perfect mood. I'm glad I have met people like those. Add on to that my girlfriend talking to me in the first time for quite while with all the crazy stuff going on, and that just sums up my day. That's not enough for you? Alright then, add on to that, the usual Skype conversations, but with fun topics with all of my close friends who have finally been able to cheer me up. I don't know, I think this is the turning point where shit finally starts going my way. I mean, let's just analyze this based on the aspects of my life. Friends wise, I found a clique which is far from my usual, but also much more positive than the usual. Career wise, it's the usual, no turning point there. Education wise is also the usual. Family wise, nothing really, travelling soon so I guess that's a positive, after the few rough past week or so, I could really use a few weeks away from this place. I also need lots of brightly colored skinny pants, and lots of plain t's and cardigans. Could use some new shoes too (no homo). Relationship wise, being straight forward and hoping I won't get bashed at for this, it wasn't great due to the lack of conversation, but today just brought things back to the amazing old days, so very major turning point there. I mean everything in my life is not going negatively, and some even going positively. So in conclusion, today has been good day. Hell, lot's of people on friendzone got accepted, which put me in an even better mood. I hope this continues, and I hope we all have a great day. And congratulations to my very dear friend Azza on getting accepted into the school she anted to go to. With the utmost respect and appreciation, to all my wonderful readers, my wonderful friends, and last but certainly not least, my wonderful misses, Fiasco Out! 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays  

"Just a little too young for this love"
Missed a day. I kind of have been doing this workout routine and I was planning to blog after it, but I kind of was exhausted and fell asleep after it. So sorry about that. Not in the best of mood, far from a good mood. Might as well blow away some steam on this blog. You only feel low, after being high. Let me put it this way, I was having a really high point, now, it's really low. There's not much to my life. This is clearly isn't about my career, that's going pretty well. I'm just trapped in the boundaries of my own mind. It's like I wake up, and this is all I'm thinking about, I listen to a song when I'm in a good mood and struck gold with a nice mix or remix, and then there's a lyric that reminds me of this whole situation, and it instantly makes me rant. I try laying down and getting some sleep and it just haunts me. I hide it under joking around with my friends about it, when deep down inside, this is devouring what faith I have left. It's my fault for breaking my own rules. I live by a set of rules, which I believe are meant to be broken, but its days, more like weeks, where I've regret breaking one of my rules. Don't make anything your main source of happiness, so when it's not there, you turn into this over emotional blogging faggot. I feel pathetic about myself. My thoughts don't make it any better. It's like at one point I'm perfectly fine, and my mind is thinking optimistically, then at other points, confusion. Not going to say its doubt, or regret. I don't regret it at all, or doubt it a bit. I know in order to feel high, I have to feel low. Then my mind throws in all these bi polar thoughts: "But why have I been low for such a long time? When's the high going to kick in? Stop giving so much effort, if its mutual, then it'll come back. Look how long you've been waiting, this is how its always going to be. You're an over attached faggot. Holy fuck, I'm your brain so that makes me over attached since I'm you. Maybe the high was over before it begun. I need a shot now, lot's of shots. Shit, I don't drink. But I sure as hell want to if it makes you forget." Sorry if that was confusing, but that's seriously my whole day on repeat. It also kills me to see how every one else has it perfectly, and then I'm not even a drop of that. Fuck this, I seriously need lots of shots at the moment. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.