Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?

Day 47: How Can I Dance the Pain Away?  

Well I'm officially back to blogging. Before I jump into anything. Malaysia was beautiful. It was an opportunity to run away, and I took it. Well let's jump to something. I'm not there anymore, and remember how I said I can take a lot more punches and blows? Well, I've been proven right. I wish I wasn't. Being stronger just means one thing, I'm going to be able to deal with much more. That much more is directly proportional to the pain it brings. I just wish I was back in Malaysia. The thing is, I don't know if I'm a drama queen or not. Well if I wasn't, would I have a popular blog? So many things contradict. I usually sleep around midnight. I stayed up until around 6 AM last night just thinking, playing music. I have this thing I do called musical therapy. I basically start with sad songs, and go more positive. I eventually end up feeling great. Didn't work last night, for the first time in years. The thing is, I just wish I could directly just yell out my problems here or something. No escape, no one to tell, nothing. It's really one thing that's getting to me. Honestly, fuck the rest for all I care. Like I usually play mind games on people, but this time, I've fallen for this sick endless mind game myself is playing on me. It's ironic how you can allow someone just kill you emotionally without even doing anything. That's the worse kind of pain. It feels much better when they do something, but fuck, when the reason is that they're doing nothing at all, and that's killing you. It makes you feel pathetic, worthless, weak, stupid, you name every damn kind of negative thing you can feel, and you feel them. You have no one but yourself to blame. When they do something, it's like at least they went through the effort, but when there's nothing, and that's what's hurting you, it can't get worse than that. Add onto that when you try, and get nothing in return. Apart from all those negative people, you feel humiliated. You allow yourself to be in this state. Yet from everything you've seen, it doesn't seem like that someone, or fuck it, anyone cares. You tell your close friends. They end up giving you some shitty advice about how you should stop caring. Seriously? Do you think you should get some award for that. Here's a dose of reality, don't you think I would if I could. What's even better is when they tell you try after being humiliated. How? One friend said blog it, it could make you feel better, hell, if you're lucky get positive results. I doubt that. I have a much higher chance of getting negative results, and possibly give off what this is about which I don't want.( Anyone who decently knows me could probably tell, but I'll probably deny if they ask me anyways). But hell, even if the results are negative, at least I'm getting results. It usually ends up with these few friends shrugging it off and talking about how I don't deserve this and all that. (I know, I don't!) The pain majorly out weighs the pride. But I don't know if that's enough to make me lose it. I don't even know what to say anymore. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.