Day 57: Pinkville

Day 57: Pinkville 

Apologies for the completely irrelevant post yesterday. I had not realized how irrelevant it was until today. Well, not like I can delete it. To be honest it's probably the lack of topics. I mean usually and before I took my 6 month or so break from this blog, I had plenty to talk about, and even more people reading my blog. So technically, the lack of topics isn't from lack of a social life (even though I claim I avoid everyone, I still have; more like had; emphasis on the past tense) enough going in my life to actually have a decent blog. Well I do at the moment. Basically, and this is something only people who are doing their IG exams at the moment can relate, IG's sort of mostly kill your social life. But now that they're on the verge of finishing, and I only have a paper left, I'm basically done, so I'm somewhat slowly regaining my social life. That's repetitive and I know I've said that a lot throughout my posts. So, let's switch it up. For me, things have been slightly different, especially regarding people. I usually get second thoughts about posting things like this, but I mean, you want to read this, and I honestly want to get it out of my head. When you're with someone for quite a while, things start changing. Not for the better, but also not for the worse. There's just a change. Constant situations bring about this change, cause the more time you and a specific person spend together, the more situations you go through, good or bad. I'm basically elaborating and paraphrasing the saying which talks about obstacles and you deciding whether you let something make you stronger or not, and then applying it to your friendship or relationship with someone. By situations, I also mean day to day things. Well as for me, I don't like the change. I understand I equally contribute to it, but it's just because as a person, that's how I am. For a very long time, I'll be on my very best behavior, but unfortunately that leads to people being to dependent and complacent with me. When I suddenly fall out to see how much the other person is willing to do the same for me, I am usually quite disappointed. This inevitably leads to me suddenly inputting effort on a much a lower basis as I am quite disappointed which then leads to everything falling apart. So to some extent, I have to blame myself for being on full gear on day one, and then the moment I'm gassed out, or life decides to bring me down, I expect someone who has never kicked things into full gear for me, to suddenly somehow magically get the will power to do it. So basically, this is sort of the reason, nothing ever works with me. It's the reason why I don't have too many friends, cause to be honest, there were only a few people who could notice when I gas myself out and then help me out. Furthermore, its the reason why relationships were never quite the thing with me, and to be honest, until I mature enough, or find someone who can pick up the signs easily and pick up the pace when I'm slowing down, they honestly will never be. It's the reason why educationally, sometimes I'm excelling, but at this moment (and thank God it happened to be at a timing where I only have one paper left) I'm gassed out. Don't get me wrong, mentally I have lots of stamina, but I'm not a machine, so I'm bound to suddenly face a drop at one point. These days, I've reached that point. This is the point where I feel like everything is bound to go wrong, cause I'm too fatigued to make things right, and to be honest, most people who have anything to do with me probably don't even notice it to making things right. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.