Day 43: Electronically Entertained

Day 43: Electronically Entertained 

"For ever minute you are sad, you lose a minute of happiness"

Today was quite the day. It started off well, and ended up even better. I haven't worked out today. Fuck it, I don't want to get ripped, I'm perfectly secure with my scrawny, non intimidating, and far from attractive figure. Well to be honest, I just need motivation to keep committed to something. The reason I blog at a decent rate, is because I get around up to 70, and hell, on intense blogs up to 100 views a day. Today was just spectacular. Like based on my current days, today was just perfect. So it started off as a simple hang out, with a few guys who I had met at those summer lessons I previously talked about. I didn't have high expectations, but to my surprise, it turned out to be one of the most legit hangouts ever. It was just nice, like I don't know hangout wise. Like they're not the usual crowd I hangout with. I mean it's just a change from the usual. The usual, people around me smoking hookah, insulting each other girlfriends, mothers, family, and the usual immature extremely lame phrases. Today, all these guys, had such positive a positive vibe. There was the immaturity and the curse words flying through the air, but not in the usual style or manner, it was just I don't know, cursing with a positive vibe. I just  need friends like these in my life, and I have arguably one friend who has that vibe, no one else I can honestly think of. It was just nice, and something that had just put me in a perfect mood. I'm glad I have met people like those. Add on to that my girlfriend talking to me in the first time for quite while with all the crazy stuff going on, and that just sums up my day. That's not enough for you? Alright then, add on to that, the usual Skype conversations, but with fun topics with all of my close friends who have finally been able to cheer me up. I don't know, I think this is the turning point where shit finally starts going my way. I mean, let's just analyze this based on the aspects of my life. Friends wise, I found a clique which is far from my usual, but also much more positive than the usual. Career wise, it's the usual, no turning point there. Education wise is also the usual. Family wise, nothing really, travelling soon so I guess that's a positive, after the few rough past week or so, I could really use a few weeks away from this place. I also need lots of brightly colored skinny pants, and lots of plain t's and cardigans. Could use some new shoes too (no homo). Relationship wise, being straight forward and hoping I won't get bashed at for this, it wasn't great due to the lack of conversation, but today just brought things back to the amazing old days, so very major turning point there. I mean everything in my life is not going negatively, and some even going positively. So in conclusion, today has been good day. Hell, lot's of people on friendzone got accepted, which put me in an even better mood. I hope this continues, and I hope we all have a great day. And congratulations to my very dear friend Azza on getting accepted into the school she anted to go to. With the utmost respect and appreciation, to all my wonderful readers, my wonderful friends, and last but certainly not least, my wonderful misses, Fiasco Out! 

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays

Day 42: April Days Turned Into Mays  

"Just a little too young for this love"

Missed a day. I kind of have been doing this workout routine and I was planning to blog after it, but I kind of was exhausted and fell asleep after it. So sorry about that. Not in the best of mood, far from a good mood. Might as well blow away some steam on this blog. You only feel low, after being high. Let me put it this way, I was having a really high point, now, it's really low. There's not much to my life. This is clearly isn't about my career, that's going pretty well. I'm just trapped in the boundaries of my own mind. It's like I wake up, and this is all I'm thinking about, I listen to a song when I'm in a good mood and struck gold with a nice mix or remix, and then there's a lyric that reminds me of this whole situation, and it instantly makes me rant. I try laying down and getting some sleep and it just haunts me. I hide it under joking around with my friends about it, when deep down inside, this is devouring what faith I have left. It's my fault for breaking my own rules. I live by a set of rules, which I believe are meant to be broken, but its days, more like weeks, where I've regret breaking one of my rules. Don't make anything your main source of happiness, so when it's not there, you turn into this over emotional blogging faggot. I feel pathetic about myself. My thoughts don't make it any better. It's like at one point I'm perfectly fine, and my mind is thinking optimistically, then at other points, confusion. Not going to say its doubt, or regret. I don't regret it at all, or doubt it a bit. I know in order to feel high, I have to feel low. Then my mind throws in all these bi polar thoughts: "But why have I been low for such a long time? When's the high going to kick in? Stop giving so much effort, if its mutual, then it'll come back. Look how long you've been waiting, this is how its always going to be. You're an over attached faggot. Holy fuck, I'm your brain so that makes me over attached since I'm you. Maybe the high was over before it begun. I need a shot now, lot's of shots. Shit, I don't drink. But I sure as hell want to if it makes you forget." Sorry if that was confusing, but that's seriously my whole day on repeat. It also kills me to see how every one else has it perfectly, and then I'm not even a drop of that. Fuck this, I seriously need lots of shots at the moment. With all due respect, Fiasco Out.

Day 41: Metallica Tapes

Day 41: Metallica Tapes

"Little whispers around your head, worry about yourself instead"

Depressed? Why have so many people put that label on me? I get I am, and for what to people are acceptable reasons but to me a bit pathetic. I don't like that label to be honest. I'm just simply having a down fall in this roller coaster of life. We all have it. Mine for this pathetic reason, other's for bigger issues which are more life impacting. Could be my fault for making this reason a big part of my life. Any who. not here to rant about that. Just saying, not really depressed, I'll patch myself up, always seem to be able to do that. This is post number 41. Most people who have been reading since Day 1, or the very beginning, probably have grown to know me, to the point where some people even judge me based on this. Can't blame them, I've given them a lot of reason to. You can judge me all you want, I'm not a guy who cares about criticism, reputation, or whatever most my friends and people my age worry about. The judgement I got the most was cocky person who's too "westernized". By westernized, I mean they believe I do not recognize that I'm from a country where my actions, mentality, beliefs, choices, and decisions are not accepted. Everyone wants to be accepted, and to most people other than my friends, I'm not. But here's the twist, I'm not like everyone, not saying I'm special, but, I've had a rough childhood and wasn't accepted in elementary school, and pushed around through most of middle school. If you were bullied as a kid, and a loner until the last two years of your high school life, you've pretty much braced yourself for the social nonacceptance of your junior and senior year. So for all these people not accepting me, and expecting me to change to acquire their acceptance, two words for you bitches, fuck you. I've had a period where I'd gotten quite a number of hate messages, but then its stopped recently. Why? Because you bitches can't shake me. I barely give a fuck about anyone's opinion, and I'm not like those other people claiming they don't. I've dealt with people's shit all my life, then had my social life blow up with a crazy career that I love. You can't shake me, and if you want to try, be my guest. I've been pushed around, so you're words don't hurt me, and I've been alone for a couple of years with no one I could even call a friend, so even if my friends turn out to be fake (Highly doubt that, with the likes of Lil Man, that's almost impossible), I've been alone before, and how do I respond? I get better grades which is even more satisfying than having most these fake friends around, I still have a decent career, and I don't need any of your company, I can cope perfectly fine with video games, a mixer, and endless humorous pictures on Facebook. That ladies and gentleman, has helped me reach a conclusion, I can't label myself as depressed, just stressed out of mind. Glad to see I could make myself feel better. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Day 40: Who Set the Alarm?

Day 40: Who Set the Alarm? 

"Time solves all"

Finally starting to be a bit more convincing. I would like to state that I'm not depressed as many people have assumed due to my past post. Well I am, but that's nothing hours of musical therapy and distraction methods can't patch up. Any who, I have something I want to talk about (for once). I will rant, but it's nothing I can say works me up, but it does bother to a massive extent. That ladies and gentleman, is interference. I certainly had my share today. Can't give out a lot of details, but I'll give enough for you to be able to relate, and maybe even vaguely picture my situation. So we all have best friends, close friends, or whatever you want to call them. Sometimes, you trust these people to an extent in which they know the smallest details of your life. I have a number, maybe 2 or 3 who qualify for the title of knowing everything about me. One of these specific people lives a very reckless and wild lifestyle. It's one that's great and led to a pretty decent friendship for a year. Ultimately, it led to what we call a brotherhood. So when seeing me in the position I was recently, and the constant stress levels I suffer from, he decided to take matters "into his own hand". I noticed something a bit out of line, and after out putting some pressure on him, well little at all, he spilled the beans. He told me what he did, claiming he was trying to help and put me out of what he called misery. Well, not misery precisely, but a few small words that mean that. It's an inside joke about his vocabulary. (Haha, you're supposed to laugh now). So any who, he was trying to help, cause that's what friends do, help each other. But you know, this was just something which didn't call for interfering and something I'd wanted my own self to handle, even though I probably couldn't. So I might not approve of it, something I wish that person didn't interfere in. Might not have liked it, and wish it didn't happen. But that also made me realize something. Nowadays, its rare to find friends like him. I mean he took his own time, interfered in something which completely didn't effect him nor did he have anything to do with, and well I don't know what the results are yet, whether his actions cause things to spiral up, or turn for the better, he is a true friend. He cares about me. I mean no other friend would take the risk of potentially digging my grave for me deeper than it already is, in an attempt of pulling me out of it. It's like there's a bullet in me, and if he can pull it out, I'm relieved of the pain. He either pulls it out, or waits for the paramedics which take forever to show up. Pulling it out can either destroy me, or relieve me. And what he did, he pulled it out. Why? Cause fuck it, let's be reckless, and hope for the best right? That's honestly the kind of friend I need. The thing is, I was pissed when I found out, out of my mind. I knew he had no clue what he was doing, poor interpretation, and no sense of direction. But I felt he took the risk picturing he was in my shoes. Fuck it, I can't explain, hope you got me. So now I'm stressed out of my mind over what his decisions could result in, but I'm happy, cause even though this arguably the worst way how, I felt I truly had a friend present today. Kind of mixed emotions, let's just pray for the best. With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 39: Solar Midnight

Day 39: Solar Midnight

"Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining"

Apologies again. It's become a bit ironic how I always start off apologizing about how I haven't updated in quite a while. I have a justification though this time. It's just that I've been attempting to bottle up a lot of emotions. Emotions which if I type out directly now, will get me in quite a lot of trouble. Let's just say things haven't been great, well far from great. Pressure has been piling up on me from all directions. Confusion about so many things. I don't even know what I should make my priorities, what cards I should use, what faces I should show. The only reason people read this is cause apparently people's pain and struggles is entertaining. I mean I have about 5 or so friends who all blog, none who share anywhere as much as I do. Ironically, only 2 which is less than half (do your math), still blog at a decent or daily rate. Why has quite a large proportion quit? Well it's ironically because they don't share enough. I mean when you blog about your personal life, it's either your a celebrity with a massive number of readers you feel somewhat obliged to update about whatever you're famous for, or your like me. Me? I live a stressful life, I mean don't we all? Our problems somewhat differ from person to person. Don't criticize me too much for what I say next. But the problem's of a homeless person trying to earn money who isn't in a life or death situation, could potentially be the same level of stress as that of one of the world's millionaire's. Ladies and gentleman, I don't intend to say that there at the same level of importance, but depending on the perspective, they could be at the same level of pain towards that person. But that really depends on the person too, and that, is where I have major issues. I don't stress about everything, but when I do stress about something, it's disastrous. One of the reasons I have this blog is to deal with that issue. It's been extremely effective. But at some times, and this is certainly one of them, it's pointless. The topic I'm stressing about is controversial at what the reasons are, whether I should accept it, whether I should pretend it's not bothering me while it's killing me and all I think about, whether the arguments presented are logical, and they are without a doubt, but to what extent? I mean I go and talk to my two or three very close friends who know everything about me, and each one gives me a different interpretation from the others including myself. It's killing me, to the point where I've let my imagination distract me. Where I've let overdosed myself in music, fuck, it's to the point where I've been looking forward to things like studying hoping they suck me out of this emotional roller coaster. Believe me, nothing works. I don't even think this is that big of an issue, and it shouldn't be, but then when I realize that, it makes me feel more pathetic and helpless than I already am. So what does all this make me realize? I'm a cocky yet an emotionally unstable, person who cares too much, worries about the little things cause there's probably no big things, who's got to set his priorities straight. Most importantly, with all these mixed emotions, and instability in my life, I am a person who could stop giving a fuck faster than you blink. But then again, what happens when you want to care? When this is probably the only priority you feel you can't set straight, yet you love it, even though it's killing you. I mean I'm not a dude who's not used to these situations, I'm 15, have a career, and so far have been balancing almost perfectly with my education. I work my way around everything, but this, I guess patience, endurance, and distraction will be my only way out. I hate it when that's my only option. "Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining." My mind has thrown itself in its own hole, someone throw me a fucking rope and hope I'm not to gassed out to pull my pathetic over thinking self out. Well at least this blog isn't pointless. Got a lot of my chest today. Somewhat indirectly except to a few people. At least I hope so, I honestly don't need any more controversial problems in my life.  With all due respect, Fiasco Out. 

Day 38: Animal Pharm

Day 38: Animal Pharm 

"A DJ is an artist and the dancefloor is his canvas"

So by now we all noticed how horrible I am in keeping you all up to date. Sincerest apologies. I've had pretty rough, and no one there for me really. Well there are people there for me, but I want a specific someone to be there for me, and let's just say, I can't reach out to them at the moment. It's not really a matter of me facing any sort of issues, but they were a source of happiness which I temporarily don't have. As for my DJ career, it's alright I guess. As for my lifestyle, especially my lifestyle, I've put aside going out with three figured amount of money in my pocket, and decided that financially, I should direct it to things of more value. So as soon as I get the chance, I'm jumping on a new laptop for DJ'ing and personal use, new equipment such as a stand for my mixer, and laptop, which in general would make me look much more professional when I perform. Any who, I had a party on Tuesday. Let me just say the countless hours of practice finally paid off. A packed and full dancefloor for the whole party, people going insane, so full you can't even leave the place! I even had people clap for me at the end  I'm really proud of that, and I'm looking to establish my name as one of the top in what I do in this country, and hell, why not the world at some point? It'd be nice for my hobby to develop into something massive. That of course, won't effect my persuasion of university, and a proper education, and a more common, and mature occupation. I seem to have my whole life planned out, but something I and I'm sure most of you have learned, is that life can spiral downwards or upwards at any given moment. I shall, hopefully, leave this country soon. But before I do, I just want one proper party, with lasers piercing the smoke filled air, a crowd just enjoying there time. So today I know I've mostly focused my words on my career, but that's because I don't really have much to talk about anymore. I mean I have my friends who certainly have been rocking it out, cruises, hangouts, you name it. The little that remain though. Nothing else at the moment I can say that stands out. I'll try keeping things up to date. With all due respect, Fiasco out. 

Day 37: Hexes

Day 37: Hexes

"The greatest mental freedoms is truly not caring what anyone else thinks of you."

I missed another day. Apologies. I'm enrolled in 3 different summer courses, so its hard for me to keep up with all the homework. Not to mention, in all 3, I have a test new week. Gotta love summer. I've been in a good mood recently though. Mostly cause of a person who inflicted and enforced her positive vibe on me. So, thank you for that, even though you'll probably read this without noticing. Let me guess, you're expecting a rant. Not today though! I actually typed up a whole rant, but decided to delete it. I know I wasted time, but being honest, I have nothing better to do. Which ultimately means, I have nothing to talk about. So I guess, my fingers are going to type, and whatever comes out, comes out. So here's something ironic about me. So I talk a lot about my relationship, which unfortunately, is a plural on this blog. Makes me seem like an asshole. Let's just say I've accepted the past, and from now decided to leave it there. So don't expect me, talking about too many past experiences. But here's the thing, I talk a lot about them, and my personal life to be honest. I don't have that much personal information though, I tend to avoid drama, and I don't keep much secrets, nor do I have many. I mean I have a somewhat successful blog based on my life, you don't keep that much secrets when you blog. I don't really know how to say this. I mean I wouldn't mind sitting down with someone I barely know and talk about my relationship for example, but then when I get asked to say her name for example, which happens a lot on public sites such as that ask one, I tend to avoid saying it. Don't rush to conclusions, its not that I'm ashamed of her anything, I'd yell her name out to the world if I could. But that's my point, the world I'm in, at least this society, I can't feel comfortable saying it. Its sort of a paranoia. Why? There's many people that would be ready to put me, to put us through hell for just being together. I'm not referring to family members or people not accepting of the whole situation. I mean other people, like our age, who don't know about it. There's so much envy, so much hate pointed in no direction these days. People who just envy you for being happy. I can't lie and say "they can't effect us". These people would get out of there way, just to try and knock couples, singles, people in general off course. I mean personally, I don't care about much, except one person for example. So they come, bring up every sin that person has ever done, and claim they're friends. I'm not making much sense here, but you get my point. I can't explain any situation clearly. My point is, be careful about how public your life is, especially things you care about. I'm one of the very few people who barely care about anything, and don't care about judgement and criticism. But sometimes, people try using those very few things you care about against you. Sadly, most of them pretend they're your friends. Don't give them much to talk about! I'm keeping it short today, since I've been in a good mood. Take care everyone! Sorry for not making much sense, but I'm sure you all comprehended the basic message I'm trying to show. With all due respect, Fiasco Out!