Day 39: Solar Midnight

Day 39: Solar Midnight

"Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining"

Apologies again. It's become a bit ironic how I always start off apologizing about how I haven't updated in quite a while. I have a justification though this time. It's just that I've been attempting to bottle up a lot of emotions. Emotions which if I type out directly now, will get me in quite a lot of trouble. Let's just say things haven't been great, well far from great. Pressure has been piling up on me from all directions. Confusion about so many things. I don't even know what I should make my priorities, what cards I should use, what faces I should show. The only reason people read this is cause apparently people's pain and struggles is entertaining. I mean I have about 5 or so friends who all blog, none who share anywhere as much as I do. Ironically, only 2 which is less than half (do your math), still blog at a decent or daily rate. Why has quite a large proportion quit? Well it's ironically because they don't share enough. I mean when you blog about your personal life, it's either your a celebrity with a massive number of readers you feel somewhat obliged to update about whatever you're famous for, or your like me. Me? I live a stressful life, I mean don't we all? Our problems somewhat differ from person to person. Don't criticize me too much for what I say next. But the problem's of a homeless person trying to earn money who isn't in a life or death situation, could potentially be the same level of stress as that of one of the world's millionaire's. Ladies and gentleman, I don't intend to say that there at the same level of importance, but depending on the perspective, they could be at the same level of pain towards that person. But that really depends on the person too, and that, is where I have major issues. I don't stress about everything, but when I do stress about something, it's disastrous. One of the reasons I have this blog is to deal with that issue. It's been extremely effective. But at some times, and this is certainly one of them, it's pointless. The topic I'm stressing about is controversial at what the reasons are, whether I should accept it, whether I should pretend it's not bothering me while it's killing me and all I think about, whether the arguments presented are logical, and they are without a doubt, but to what extent? I mean I go and talk to my two or three very close friends who know everything about me, and each one gives me a different interpretation from the others including myself. It's killing me, to the point where I've let my imagination distract me. Where I've let overdosed myself in music, fuck, it's to the point where I've been looking forward to things like studying hoping they suck me out of this emotional roller coaster. Believe me, nothing works. I don't even think this is that big of an issue, and it shouldn't be, but then when I realize that, it makes me feel more pathetic and helpless than I already am. So what does all this make me realize? I'm a cocky yet an emotionally unstable, person who cares too much, worries about the little things cause there's probably no big things, who's got to set his priorities straight. Most importantly, with all these mixed emotions, and instability in my life, I am a person who could stop giving a fuck faster than you blink. But then again, what happens when you want to care? When this is probably the only priority you feel you can't set straight, yet you love it, even though it's killing you. I mean I'm not a dude who's not used to these situations, I'm 15, have a career, and so far have been balancing almost perfectly with my education. I work my way around everything, but this, I guess patience, endurance, and distraction will be my only way out. I hate it when that's my only option. "Throw away the darkness, I wanna see you shining." My mind has thrown itself in its own hole, someone throw me a fucking rope and hope I'm not to gassed out to pull my pathetic over thinking self out. Well at least this blog isn't pointless. Got a lot of my chest today. Somewhat indirectly except to a few people. At least I hope so, I honestly don't need any more controversial problems in my life.  With all due respect, Fiasco Out.