Day 5: Regrets

Day 5: Regrets

“Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on.
I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.”

Before I get emotional over this message, just wanted to say today was a good day. Had a sports day, got a couple of 3rd places, so I'm happy with that. My whole body hurts. Pretty much all that happened today. Today's post is the one that matters to me the most, so I'll start of quickly, since this is quite the story. This is the best place I speak, my word choice is best here, so I'll take advantage of that. I guess I have to say our story before I can start off so people know what I'm talking about. I'll speak out of memory of something that lasted for years, so I might get a few details wrong. I just wanted to clear everything up, apologize for being the guy I was, the guy I still am. I guess things I say could cause a bit of instability in my current relationship since everyone's going to run up and make a big deal of what I say, but no worries, you're worth everything. 2010, we started talking. We never even had one boring conversation. 2011, end of Summer, we're walking, me, you, and your crazy friend. She decided to spill the beans and tell me that you like me, and that every night you'd be talking about me. All you did was look down to the street, and I put one arm around you, and said I like you too. I also decided to hug you and you almost stumbled over from the mixture of embarrassment and shyness (I thought that was super cute). Then I moved to Sudan. Conversations faded away, we went from talking every day to talking once a week or so for a few minutes. Thinking you were over me, I start dating some other chick. I tell you about it as in we're just friends, still having that thought in mind. A while later I was single, and we were talking at the same pace we used to when we first started talking, but I guess if you were trying to point anything out, I was too blind to notice. We brought up the topic once more a while later, that's when I picked it up that you were trying to be there for me all along. I knew then, but then with time, conversations faded again. Eventually, I get into another relationship. My current one to be more precise. But now, we talk at the same pace we used to talk to. I hope that it stays this way. But this isn't a post to get views, this post is cause I know you're going to be reading this. I doubt you even care about me anymore, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I know you think I'm the most ignorant guy ever, but you don't know how much I value you. I'm sorry for all the neglect. You don't know how much it hurts me, what I did, what I possible could still be doing. You deserve none of that, an amazing girl like you deserves nothing but the best. I'm sorry for being a reason for any pain you felt. A jerk like I am can't control it, you were always right, I was always wrong. It hurts thinking about how things could have been so much better for you. You're amazing, more than that. The pain you kept inside you, and decided to ignore just for the sake of talking to me, whatever you went through, you know it more than me. I just wanted you to know that I take responsibility for everything, I didn't know how my wrong decisions could effect the people around me, you mostly. Mostly, I'm sorry for the words I never said, like how you are the best thing that happened to me, and how I'm proud to have you in my world. I don't want to make any promises, or any decisions here. The future's near, but never certain. Everything I put you through, Blame it on me. Fiasco Out.